Decisions
by YourTimeIsNow
Summary: The decisions we make dictate the lives we will lead. E/O, though not without some tears, pain and drama. Dark content. Be advised.
1. Author's Note

Hello fellow FanFictioners!

I wanted to take a moment to thank everyone who has read and reviewed my stories in the past. Your encouragement has meant so much to me and I appreciate it more than I can say.

I also wanted to express my gratitude to everyone who has read this story and asked for updates. This story has structurally been giving me problems and I wasn't sure how to fix it. I finally realized that I needed to remove all of the chapters, change the structure and re-post. So that's what I'm doing.

I'm working on a new chapter and want to get that done before I get this all back up for you. It should be done soon.

Again, I thank you for all your encouragement and kind words. The support I've received from this community is amazing and I am so grateful.

Just bear with me a little longer. :)

M


	2. Chapter 1

**DISCLAIMER: None of the characters are mine. Unfortunately. Sigh.**

_**A/N: Okay, here are all of the chapters of this story, re-done and re-posted. Thanks again everyone for sticking with me! Hopefully I've figured this one out! :)**_

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><p>Elliot watched his partner stride into the house confidently. Her sexy walk always drove him crazy, he couldn't help but watch her. Coming or going, it didn't matter. She looked good.<p>

She looked even better setting a steaming cup of coffee in front of him. "Black, two sugars," she said, walking around to her desk.

"You're a Godsend," he muttered, peeling off the top of the to-go cup and inhaling the warm, earthy scent of the coffee from the deli around the corner. It was so much better than the sludge Munch had made an hour ago.

"I know," she flashed a sexy half-smile at him and sat down, opening her drawer and throwing her keys inside. Olivia wasn't one to carry a purse. "We got anything?" she asked him once she was settled in.

"Not a thing," Elliot informed her.

Olivia sighed. She hated slow days. "Looks like a good time for paperwork." She opened a file that had lain long dormant on her desk.

They worked across one another in silence for an hour or so. Olivia finally stood and stretched.

"Where you going?" Elliot asked her as she started to make her way from the room.

She turned halfway and cocked her hips. Another thing that drove him crazy. "I just remembered, I think I left a sweatshirt up in the crib the other night, when we pulled that all-nighter. I'm just going to see if it's still up there." She smiled at Elliot and made her way up the stairs.

After a few minutes, Elliot made his way up the stairs to check on her, to see if she needed any help finding her sweatshirt. He opened the door and called her name softly into the darkness of the crib. "Liv?" He shut the door behind him and looked around. "Liv?"

Finally, she was there, covering his mouth with hers, running her fingertips along his neck, pulling him even closer. He breathed in her heady scent and moved his lips against hers, running his tongue along her bottom lip. His hands found his way to her hips and he ran his thumbs along the skin he found just under the hemline of her shirt.

She broke the kiss. "I thought you'd never get here," she whispered, reaching behind him and clicking the lock on the door. It was one of the sexiest sounds he'd ever heard.

Her eyes locked onto his and she smiled. He leaned forward and pressed his forehead to hers, closing his eyes and thanking God for making her, his beautiful partner.

"Elliot," she whispered, running her fingers down his cheeks. He opened his eyes and found her again in the darkness. She leaned forward and kissed him again, opening her mouth and finding his tongue with her own.

He ran his hands down her hips and over her ass, hooking them under her thighs and lifting her off the ground. She wrapped her long legs around his waist and he moved them to their chosen spot, a bed that didn't squeak and had molded to their bodies.

Elliot thought back to a case they'd caught several weeks ago. Olivia had a rough go of it and had come up either to catch a few moments of sleep or to cry. Elliot still didn't know which. He found her there, on their bed, and smiled softly to himself. It was in that moment that he realized it was more than sex, it always had been.

He loved her.

Now, in the moments following their tryst, they lay there, catching their breaths and wiping the sheen of sweat off their brows. Olivia turned her head to look at him at the same moment he turned his head to look at her. They grinned at each other and Elliot brought his hand up to brush a piece of hair from her face, touching her softly, intimately, sweetly. His hand rested there and she brought her own hand up to meet him, turning her face slightly to kiss his palm.

He saw her eyes register something, felt her fingers move over the fourth finger on his left hand. Shit. She'd felt his wedding ring. He always made sure to take it off before they were together. It was his way of letting her know that he preferred her; that to him, his marriage didn't exist; that he wanted her; that she wasn't just a quick fuck. Olivia was the real woman in his life, the one who knew him best. The wedding ring was something he wore out of obligation; his wife had mothered his five children and he had a responsibility to them. He and Kathy were done.

With this new development between he and Olivia, Elliot had started to meet with a lawyer to draw up papers to legally divorce Kathy, but those terribly important documents weren't ready yet and he had to bide his time.

Olivia suddenly sat up quicker than he'd thought it was possible for someone to move and began replacing the clothing his nimble fingers had removed just moments before. She was avoiding him. She was angry.

"Olivia," he said softly. "Liv, please."

"I suggest you get dressed, Detective." Shit. She only called him "detective" when she was really pissed.

He began pulling on his dress pants and shirt, fumbling with each button.

She pulled a sweatshirt from under the bed; she'd obviously planted it there to have a reason to come up here with him. "Found my sweatshirt. Thanks for the help." She started to make her way out of the room.

"Olivia," he said firmly, grabbing her arm and pulling her to him.

"Get your hands off me." She had fire in her eyes and Elliot immediately dropped his grip. "Don't touch me," she spat at him.

"Olivia, please, let me explain…"

"Explain what, Detective?" Olivia said. "Explain what? That your frigid wife doesn't give you any at home and I'm a nice warm body?"

Elliot kept his anger in check. "You know that's not true," he spoke, his voice pleading.

"Do I?" she narrowed her eyes at him. "Do I? I mean, really, Elliot, what the fuck are we doing here?"

"We're… we're…" Elliot searched for the words but couldn't find any to accurately express what exactly Olivia was to him.

"That's what I thought," she hissed. She turned to go again.

"Liv, wait," he reached for her again.

She didn't even turn this time, but called over her shoulder, "I'm done waiting." And with that, the door slammed behind her.

"Fuck," Elliot muttered, dropping down on the bed. It was still warm, it still held her shape. He ran his hand across it, pretending it was her. He always felt more empty when she wasn't by his side. And now she was beyond angry with him. How had he managed to fuck things up so badly… before they even really got started?

Olivia barely spoke to Elliot the rest of the day. No cases came in, so it was a silent, awkward afternoon. And soon, it was time to go. Olivia closed her latest case file, stood up and turned off her desk lamp. She grabbed her jacket from the back of her chair and started to make her way out of the room.

Elliot jumped up before she could go. "Olivia," he said, practically chasing her down the hall. "Olivia, please. Can't we talk about this?"

"What is there to talk about, El?" She wouldn't look at him and pressed the button to call the elevator.

"Please," he pleaded with her. "Let me take you to dinner."

"What are we, dating now?" Olivia finally looked at him, her eyes angry, her voice biting. "No, thanks." The elevator dinged and the doors opened. She boarded it and just before the doors closed, she spoke the words that betrayed her hurt the most.

"Go home to your wife."

Elliot buried his face in his hands and fought the urge to scream. He walked back to his desk, gathered his things and left.

As he drove home, he thought about Olivia. Of course. He thought about their first time together. It felt like a lifetime ago, but it reality, it was just a few short weeks.

It was a hard case, Olivia's life had been in danger. A perp held her hostage, a gun to her temple. Olivia wept openly as Elliot, firearm aimed at the perp's head, fought to maintain his composure. He was terrified.

"Elliot," Olivia had called to him. "We promised we wouldn't do this. Take the God damn shot."

Elliot had faltered and Olivia had seen he wouldn't do it. She'd taken matters into her own hands, lifting one of her booted legs into the man's genitals. Hard. While he was distracted, she went for the gun. It went off, grazing her side. She hit the ground like a ton of bricks and Elliot had his shot. He took it before he could think. The perp went down and uniforms closed in.

Elliot went right for Olivia. "Liv!" he'd cried out to her. "Liv, oh God, Liv." He gathered her in his arms and laid her back against in chest. The bullet had grazed her high along her ribcage and as she lifted her shirt to inspect her wound, Elliot had caught a glimpse of the lace lingerie she was wearing. He reached his fingers down to touch her skin and she gasped. Afraid he'd hurt her, he moved his hand away. But as she looked at him, he saw the love in her eyes, the relief, the desire. He touched her again.

"Elliot," she had whispered. And in that moment, they knew things were different.

She'd gone home after being inspected at the hospital. And an hour later, Elliot was knocking on her door. Olivia had opened the door for him, but neither of them had spoken a word.

It was Elliot who had stepped forward and touched his lips to hers. Elliot had made the first move.

It was all his fault.

Olivia had gone along willingly these last several weeks. Elliot suspected that she'd loved him just as long as he had loved her. Therefore, she was willing to not ask questions about his marriage. They'd spent many an evening in her bed, sharing their bodies, sharing languid kisses and pillow talk. It was never strange, but perfect. Every time.

And now he'd fucked it up. By reminding Olivia that he was still married and by not discussing his plans with her sooner. He'd made her into The Other Woman, when in fact, she was the only woman.

Elliot sighed and continued the long drive to Queens. He decided that perhaps he should give her some space. She was a strong, independent woman. He had no right to presume she even wanted to see him. He felt certain that distance from him was what she wanted.

Elliot determined from that moment on to give her everything she wanted.


	3. Chapter 2

**DISCLAIMER: Characters aren't mine.**

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><p>Elliot walked into the squad room the next day determined to carry out his new mission. He would give Olivia everything she wanted, he would make her happy. He swore it. He was resolute; Olivia would come back to him. She had to. They belonged together.<p>

But when she walked in ten minutes later, his confidence wavered. She was the same strong woman she was yesterday. While Elliot had barely slept a wink, she did not show any loss of sleep. There was no indication that tears had fallen, there was no sign that she was even upset.

Elliot chastised himself for even thinking she'd cry over him. Why should she? She was independent, beautiful, sexy, interesting… and he hadn't had the sense to leave his wife for her. He made her into his whore. And she deserved better than that.

As she settled into her desk, she gave no indication that she even noticed him. She threw her keys into her desk drawer like always and began to click away on her computer. Elliot watched her, her olive skin glowing as she rested her chin against her hand. He couldn't help but think she was beautiful. Thinking back through their weeks together, he wondered if he ever told her that. He couldn't remember.

"Benson. Stabler." The Captain's voice broke through his thoughts. "We have a vic down at Mercy. Go."

And with that, she was up and out the door, Elliot following pathetically behind.

Despite her anger with Elliot, Olivia's compassion for a victim had not wavered. She immediately had connected to the young girl who had been date raped by a boy at a college party. They got her statement quickly and the girl had agreed to a rape kit, stating she just wanted to do what was right.

Elliot waited outside for Olivia to emerge from the girl's room with the kit in hand. She did and proceeded down the hall, still not looking at Elliot. Sighing heavily, he jogged to catch up with her.

"Are you going to give me the silent treatment all day?" he asked her finally. "Or are we going to talk about this?"

"There's nothing to talk about, Stabler," she said, continuing down the hall.

"Like hell there isn't," he said, waiting with her by a bank of elevators. "Olivia." He ran his fingers down her arm.

She immediately moved away from him. "Don't touch me, Elliot," she glared at him. "I mean it."

He knew she did. She clearly wanted nothing to do with him. All he could do was give her more time, more space. And hope she came back to him of her own volition. It was the only way it would happen.

They finished up their day and closed their young vic's case quickly. With the rapist in custody, Elliot felt settled, confident. He leaned over his desk toward Olivia and said softly. "We're just about done here. Can I buy you a drink, Liv?"

"Can't," she said, punching a few more keys on her computer and standing up. She walked to the Captain's office and rapped on his door twice. She opened the door, but didn't go inside. Elliot could hear her voice. "Cap, okay if I take off early?"

"Your case closed, Olivia?" The Captain asked her.

"Yes, sir. Rapist is in custody now, all of our information is with the ADA and I've finished my five."

"Have a good night."

Olivia nodded and closed the office door. She walked back to her desk, grabbed her keys from her drawer and proceeded out of the squad room.

Elliot sighed and stood to go after her. "Olivia," he said her name softly as he approached her in front of the elevator.

"What?" she said, still not looking at him. He shouldn't have expected any different. Her behavior hadn't changed all day. And yet, he still hoped she'd come around.

"Please," he said. He fought the urge to touch her. "Please, come out for a drink with me. We… we need to talk."

"I told you, I can't," she said.

"Why not?" Elliot couldn't keep the pleading out of his voice. He'd been pleading with her since yesterday. It was becoming second nature.

"I have a date."

The words sent Elliot spinning. "You… what?"

"I have a date," she repeated, pressing the elevator button again, impatiently.

"But…I-I…" Elliot sputtered, unable to form words.

"Elliot," she finally turned to him. Or turned on him. "You're married. You've made it pretty clear over the last however-many-years that you will never be un-married. And I'm tired of waiting. What we had was… nice. Don't get me wrong. The sex was great. But it's obvious that that's all it was to you and I'm over it. I need someone who can give me more than you're offering. So yes, I'm going out on a date." The elevator dinged open and Olivia climbed aboard, bidding him good night.

The doors closed and she was gone. She'd left him. She'd made it seem so easy. Whereas the devastation hit him full force. He felt wrecked, his insides mangled, twisted. Things had derailed. Quickly. And all he could do was dig through the debris and try to find pieces of his life to put back together.

He stayed at the cribs that night. In their bed. He traced his fingers along the shape her body had made in the mattress. And he wondered when he became this pathetic jerk who pined over a woman.

That was an easy question to answer: the moment he met Olivia. She'd always had this power over him, she had always been able to render him completely useless. He'd been completely under her spell from the moment she walked into the House her very first day of work. They'd gotten off to a tenuous start, of course. Elliot knew he was being a dick but found no other appropriate solution to mask the fact that he found her so far beyond beautiful. Her beauty should have been a crime.

He didn't sleep that night. He only thought of her, thought of what she was doing, thought of how her date was going. Did the guy take her to a fancy restaurant? Did she let him kiss her goodnight? Had she allowed him to put his hands on her? Elliot wouldn't allow himself to think of that.

He also wouldn't allow himself to wonder if she was lost to him forever.

Olivia breezed into the squad room the next day, seemingly without a care in the world. She wordlessly set a cup of coffee on Elliot's desk and went about her morning routine.

"Thanks," Elliot muttered, removing the to-go lid from the paper cup and taking his first sip carefully.

Olivia nodded in his direction. Well, it was a step in the right direction. Elliot decided to push his luck.

"So," he said quietly. "Have fun last night?"

She paused and looked at him for a moment before turning back to her computer. "Yeah," she answered blithely. "He's a nice guy."

"Did you sleep with him?" The words tumbled from Elliot's mouth before he could stop them. Seeing her tense up right in front of him, he immediately regretted speaking in the first place.

"Excuse me?" she turned on him. If looks could kill…

Elliot merely stared back, unable to find the words to respond. He wanted to know, of course. But he was mortified by the fact that he'd actually asked her.

Olivia did not dignify his question with a response and went back to work.

"Did…" Elliot cleared his throat. "Did he take you to dinner?"

"Jesus Christ, Stabler, are you enjoying this?" Olivia slammed her hands on his desk. Upon realizing that she now had the attention of everyone in the room, she lowered her voice to a hiss and leaned across her desk toward him. "For your information, yes, he did take me to dinner. A really great place. He was kind, charismatic, open. He complimented me, offered me his arm when we walked down the street. He did everything you never could."

Then, seemingly in need of something to do, she grabbed the infamous sweatshirt, the one she'd "gone to find" before their last encounter, off the back of her chair and walked to her locker, throwing it inside and slamming the metal door shut with a resounding BANG.

Her words stung. As did her actions that followed. She had shut the door on their relationship. She had let him know she was finished with him.

As she sat back down across from him, he wanted to reach for her. His face begged her to talk to him, to come back to him. "Liv…" he whispered.

"Elliot," she stopped him with a word. "Give it up."

He shook his head. "Liv…" his voice caught in his throat. Jesus, when had he turned into such a pussy?

"What?" she snapped at him.

"I'm sorry." His voice was so low, he wasn't sure she heard him at first. But she turned toward him and her face softened for the briefest of moments. He seized the opportunity and pressed on. "Please… don't…"

"Elliot," Olivia leaned forward. Her voice was soft but firm. "I can't do this anymore. Please understand." She paused and delivered the last blow.

"I'm done."

And with that, she returned to her work. And Elliot had nowhere to go.


	4. Chapter 3

**DISCLAIMER: Characters = not mine. Sad day.**

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><p>Months passed. Elliot slipped further into a very well-hidden despair while Olivia soared through new love. She seemed to be on Cloud Nine and her other co-workers were happy for her. Asked her questions, even inquired as to when they would meet Mr. Right. Olivia laughed and shrugged, telling them that she wasn't quite ready to share him yet. Elliot had never seen her this happy. He wanted to be happy for her, but in truth, he was miserable. He'd lost her. And in the process, he lost himself.<p>

He stayed in the crib every night. He didn't go home anymore. And finally, Kathy left him. Took the kids to her sister's place up state. Told him she was filing for divorce and that there was no going back this time. He just added it to the ever-growing list of things he'd ruined.

One morning, Olivia walked in to the bullpen and set a cup of coffee onto Elliot's desk. He bid her a quiet "good morning" and she nodded in his direction. Elliot watched her as he did every morning and his eyebrows furrowed. Something was wrong. He could tell. He opened his mouth to ask her what was wrong, but it was she who spoke first.

"We got anything?"

He shook his head. "No, nothing new." He continued to watch her. Her movements were stiff, stilted, tense. He thought he saw her breathe a sigh of relief.

"Benson. Stabler." Cragen's voice cut their conversation short. "They just fished a body out of the Hudson. Signs of sexual assault. Go."

Elliot watched as Olivia groaned inwardly and forced herself out of her chair. Downstairs, they climbed into their squad car. Olivia had quickly relinquished the driving duties to Elliot, something she very rarely did without a fight. He watched with curious, concerned eyes as she gingerly set herself down in the passenger's seat.

"Hey, um, Liv?" his soft voice begged her attention. She turned to him without much protest. Again, something she rarely did anymore. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah," she said. "I'm fine. Should we go?"

Elliot nodded, started the car and shifted into gear. She'd closed the case and he'd learned over the last several months that once she did, he couldn't open them again.

Back at the House, Elliot and Olivia worked like hell to find their killer. Unfortunately, the river had taken its toll on their victim's body and most of what they could use had been washed away. Then, just before sundown, another body had been discovered. Same signs of assault, same ligature marks on the wrists and ankles, no DNA. They had a serial killer on their hands and no one was leaving anytime soon.

The stress of the day had taken its toll on them both and around midnight, Olivia excused herself, asking Fin to wake her in twenty minutes. Not long after, Elliot followed. He needed to be near her. He climbed the stairs and quietly opened the door to the crib.

Olivia was there. She was sitting on their bed. She was hunched over and Elliot could detect a slight movement in her shoulders.

She was crying.

"Liv?" he whispered.

She stiffened, sat upright. She cleared her throat. "What do you want?"

Elliot closed the door and made his way over to her. "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine, Elliot," she said, not meeting his eyes and he sat down on the bed across from her.

"You don't look fine," he said pointedly.

She was silent. She stood and started to make her way out of the crib. He couldn't let her go.

"Kathy left me," Elliot said, desperation in his voice. He needed to make her understand. His words stopped her in her tracks. "She took my children. They're gone. They're all gone." She turned and looked at him, tears on her cheeks. He stood and held out his arms, openly and honestly. He was vulnerable. It was a side he needed to show her. He'd always been this way, he just hid it from her well.

"El." Her voice was quiet, hushed. She crossed the room toward him.

His head dropped. "I… I'm sorry I… I'm sorry I didn't leave her first."

She sighed deeply and placed a comforting hand on his shoulder. It was a huge step and he knew it took a lot for her to do it. He couldn't stop himself when he pulled her hard into a hug, craving her touch.

She winced and cried out in pain. Pulling away from him and breathing deeply, clutching her right side.

"What the hell?" Elliot was shocked at her behavior. "Olivia?"

"Sorry, El," she said. "I… I'm sorry."

And with that, she was gone.

They finally solved their case. After two more rape/murders had turned up and the detectives were up for more than 36 hours. When they caught their killer, Cragen ordered them to take a mandatory two days off.

Elliot would be resigned to spend time in his empty house in Queens. No family. No friends. No Olivia. It was torture. He spent two days wandering around a home that was once bursting with life and wondering how his life had gone so horribly wrong.

He wanted desperately to call Olivia, wanted to hear her voice. But he knew she wouldn't answer. Or, if she did, she would quickly realize that his call was not work-related and she would hang up. And God forbid she was with _him_.

After two days of hell, the detectives were finally allowed to return to work. As per usual, Elliot arrived before Olivia. In fact, on this day, he arrived before just about everyone. His anxiety to get out of his house had driven him to arrive at work two hours before he was expected. Upon arrival, he couldn't do anything but stare at his partner's desk and wait for her to breeze into the room, wait for her to come back into his life and fill it up.

He missed her.

She arrived an hour later. But there was no breeze. Instead, she set his coffee on his desk and slumped into her chair. She carefully kept her right side turned from him. He noticed this immediately, having worked with abuse victims for so long. He knew the tendencies. The habits.

Unspeaking, he stood from his chair and walked around their desks. He knelt in front of her and took her chin in his hands. As he suspected, Olivia was sporting a heavily bruised cheek.

She fought him. He expected it. "Olivia. What the hell is going on?"

"It's nothing, El. Jesus," she pushed him away.

"Don't give me that bullshit!" In the months since their separation, Elliot had not raised his voice to her. He was the reason she'd left him. He had no one to blame but himself. So he'd resigned himself to roll over and be submissive whenever he could. But this… he couldn't roll over for this.

His anger had caused him to rise from his kneeling position. She stood to meet him. "Fuck off, Elliot. Since when do you care?"

They were lucky they were both early for work. The squad room was empty, save for a few passed out night shift detectives. They were able to square off, able to cast angry looks and hiss angry words at each other without fear of garnering unwanted attention.

"Olivia," he lowered his voice. He couldn't find it in him to tell her just how much he did care. "Please. What's going on?"

Olivia sighed. "Listen, El," she also lowered her voice and checked her temper. "It's really not a big deal."

"Since when is a bruised face not a big deal?" Something dawned on him. Something he didn't want to know. Something he felt compelled to find out. "Unless… you wanted him to…"

Olivia studied him for a moment and then laughed. He hadn't heard her laugh in so long. "You think this was… rough sex?" She continued laughing.

"Well, fuck, Liv," Elliot felt stupid. "What the hell am I supposed to think? You show up with sporting a God damn black eye and after the other day…"

"El, El," Olivia held out her hands. "Calm down."

Elliot took a breath. In that moment, he realized that this was the longest conversation he'd had with Olivia in months.

Olivia, following Elliot's example, also took a breath. "Okay," she began. "Yes, he hit me." She said Elliot start fuming. "But I hit him back and tossed him the fuck out. Case closed." And with that, she sat back down and tried to resume her work.

Elliot stood there, unmoving, unwavering. "And the other night?"

Olivia paused. "Let's just say… it wasn't the first time he'd… gotten angry."

"I'll kill him. I'll fucking kill him."

"Go ahead. He'll be easy to spot. He's tall, sandy haired, drop dead gorgeous and has a black eye fit for a fucking boxer."

Elliot laughed. He couldn't help it. And before he could stop himself, he spoke. "That's my Liv."

She tensed and didn't look at him.

Elliot, sensing her anger, silently walked back around to his desk. He only wished she was his Liv again.

She spoke to him that day. Smiled at him. It seemed as though Olivia was coming back to him. And he was grateful for it.

As they closed up shop for the day, Elliot leaned over his desk toward his partner. He opened his mouth to speak and paused for a moment. She was beautiful. Her desk lamp threw long shadows along her face and Elliot recalled many an evening in her bed, the city lights casting similar shadows along the curves of her body. He remembered the feel of her skin under his hands, remembered the way her mouth moved against his, remembered her voice moaning his name.

"El?" That same voice broke through his thoughts and he shook his head, clearing the images from his head. He flushed at the thought of the tent in his dress pants which only grew when Olivia leaned toward him, her eyes full of concern. When she leaned, her caught a glimpse of her full breasts and the lace brassiere that concealed them. He recognized it… it was the one she always wore for him.

"El?" she spoke again.

"C-can I," Elliot cleared his throat. "Can I buy you a drink tonight?"

Olivia paused and considered him for a moment. She wanted to go, he knew. But she was afraid. He could tell she was.

"Olivia, please. Just a drink."

Olivia cocked her head and smiled at him. "Okay, Elliot. One drink."

Elliot sat back in his chair and stretched his arms behind his head, feeling cocky, confident.

"Okay, Casanova," Olivia chuckled. "It's just a drink."

"Yes, it is," he agreed.

She smiled at him and turned off her desk lamp, the shadows disappearing from her face. But Elliot knew he'd remember them forever.


	5. Chapter 4

**DISCLAIMER: Characters aren't mine. It's very sad. Very sad indeed.**

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><p>They walked in silence to the bar. Elliot had never felt so elated. Now that this other guy was out of the picture, he was free to tell her how he felt. He only hoped she would respond favorably.<p>

He walked beside her and glanced at her furtively. He caught sight of the bruise on her cheek and felt the anger swell inside him again. He couldn't believe that the bastard had laid a hand on her, had caused her any kind of pain. Elliot knew that he wasn't entirely without blame on that count; he'd caused her pain over the years, too. But hitting her, beating her up… no, he'd never do that.

"What are you staring at?"

He'd been caught.

"Sorry," he muttered, looking down at his shoes.

Olivia sighed. "Really, El, it's not that bad."

"I know," he said softly. "I just… never thought you'd become a vic."

She stopped dead in her tracks and glared at him. "I'm not," she said defensively.

He nodded at her and tried to keep walking.

"You know, I'm not really in the mood for a drink anymore. Thanks anyway." She started off in the direction of her apartment, hoping to catch a cab along the way.

"Liv," Elliot called, following her. "Liv, wait. I'm sorry." He caught her arm and spun her around. She guarded herself immediately and upon realizing what she'd done, dropped her arms, defeated and embarrassed.

"Christ," Elliot said. "What the hell did he do to you?"

Olivia rolled her eyes, trying to brush it off. "I'm going home."

"Let me take you," Elliot said. "My car's around the corner."

"I'd rather walk," Olivia said, starting away from him again, her confident Olivia Benson stride out in full force. Elliot took a quick moment to admire the view and jogged after her again.

"Please, Liv, let me take you," Elliot said. She kept walking. "Come on, I am offering you a free ride. A cab is going to charge you out the ass this time of night."

Olivia stopped and sighed, dropping her head. "Fine," she grumbled and they started off in the direction of Elliot's car together.

It wasn't a drink, but at least he got to spend more time with her. Elliot was a happy man.

As they pulled up in front of her apartment building, Olivia started to get out of the car immediately, thanking Elliot for the ride and telling him she'd see him tomorrow.

It was now or never.

"Olivia, wait," he stopped her and she turned toward him, irritation in her eyes. "I… I didn't mean what I said back there, about you being a vic. I know you're not. You're Olivia fucking Benson." He smiled at her and was happy to see it was returned.

"Damn straight, I am," Olivia laughed and started to get out of the car again.

"Liv," his voice stopped her again and she stared at him, waiting for him to continue. "I… I'm also sorry for… for what happened…"

"Don't worry about it," she tried to brush it off and get out of the car again. He could tell she really didn't want to be in his presence.

"But I do worry about it," Elliot pressed on quickly. "Because I fucked up the best thing in my life and I love you."

This stopped her cold. The passenger door remained half open, her right foot on the asphalt outside the car, her eyes wide as they stared Elliot down. "Elliot, please… don't," she whispered. "I can't…"

"No, please, I need to tell you," Elliot said. "I should have left Kathy a long time ago. I should never have put you in the position I did. You're better than that." He reached forward and touched her cheek. "It's you, Olivia. It's always been you. I've been a fucking idiot for not telling you sooner. And I know I have no right to tell you these things and I know you've said you're done, but I had to at least tell you…"

His incessant ramblings were cut off as she leaned over her seat and pressed her lips to his. And while Elliot's hands wove their way into her hair, hers stayed safely in her lap. Still, his heart surged. He'd finally done something right by her.

He began to trail soft kisses down her bruised cheek and onto the hollow of her neck where he felt her emit a soft moan.

"Want to come up?" she whispered breathlessly.

Wordlessly, Elliot turned the ignition key, shutting the car off and giving her the answer she needed. She waited for him around the other side of the car and when he joined her, he intertwined their fingers. She didn't protest. As they reached her door, he stood behind her, moving her hair to the side and kissing the back of her neck.

The feel of his fingers on her skin was almost too much for her to take. He could tell. She giggled and fumbled with her keys, dropping them once. He stooped to pick them up and smiling at her, said, "Something wrong? You seem distracted…" as he lightly ran his fingertips up her toned arms.

"Well, maybe if you could wait until we got upstairs to start your ministrations, I would be able to get the damn key in the lock," she laughed.

He stopped touching her for the moment and stood quietly by her side as she opened her door and slipped inside, allowing him to follow close behind. The journey to her front door was made easier by the fact that Elliot politely kept his hands to himself.

Olivia opened her front door and Elliot entered, looking around and recalling the many memories they'd created here in the weeks they were together. Elliot turned and looked at Olivia who was very still, leaning against the door they'd just come through. She was hesitant, he could tell, and he didn't want to push her.

Slowly and without taking his eyes off her, he removed his suit jacket and laid it on the arm of her couch. He slowly crossed to where she was and, placing both hands softly on his cheeks, pressed their foreheads together.

"El," she whispered.

Elliot paused a moment, waiting for her to continue. When she didn't, he spoke. "I know I've made it difficult for you to trust me. But please… please try."

"I will… I'll try," she said, not meeting his eyes.

He took her hand gently and led her back toward her bedroom. Once there, the turned to her and kissed her gently, running his fingertips down her arms again. She pulled back softly and raised her arms, not breaking eye contact with him as he removed her shirt.

As the city lights hit her body, he could see the damage that asshole had done to her. She was covered in bruises along her collarbone and ribs, some fresh, some faded. There were bite marks on her breasts and shoulders. His eyes widened and he touched her wounds softly. He couldn't help the hot tears that sprang to his eyes as he pictured that horrible man laying his hands on her, as he pictured her crying out in pain.

"Elliot," she said. When he appeared not to hear her, she sighed and pulled her shirt back on. "Jesus, El, I'm fine."

Elliot blinked away the tears, hoping she wouldn't see them. "You're not fine," he said softly, not wanting to upset her more. "Let me help…"

"I don't need you to fucking fix me!" She finally screamed.

The words hit Elliot full force and he couldn't speak. When he looked at her, he could tell she was raging. All she wanted was to forget it had happened. And he was reminding her. Treating her too delicately.

"Leave," she said, crossing her arms protectively over her body.

"Olivia," he started toward her, begging her not to shut him out again. She moved away from him. "Please… I… I love you…"

"No you don't," she said, matter-of-factly. "You just want to make things better. It's all you've ever wanted. You always want to be the answer to my problems; you want to fix things. But you can't fix this, Elliot. I am damaged goods. And I don't need you around, reminding me every God damned day."

"Liv…"

"I want you to leave." She walked out of her bedroom toward the front door. She waited for him as he slowly followed behind her.

He picked up his suit jacket and made his way over to where she was standing by the door. She opened it harshly and waited for him to exit. He paused for a moment, searching her face for any sign of love or forgiveness. He found nothing. So he walked over the threshold, out the door. She slammed it behind him and he heard her lock it. And then he heard a cry escape her throat.

He wanted to badly to knock, to beg her to let him back in. But he knew she wouldn't. So he walked away from her, defeated, deflated.

He began to think that things between them would never work.

* * *

><p>Elliot sat at his desk the next day, completely unaware that Munch and Fin were watching him, scrutinizing his every move.<p>

They glanced at each other and Fin shrugged. Munch took it upon himself to make the first move.

"Jesus, man, who died?"

When this elicited no response, Fin spoke. "Elliot!" he shouted, causing Elliot to nearly jump out of his chair.

Elliot sent a glare over to the two of them. "What the fuck?" he muttered.

"You look like shit," Fin said.

Elliot glanced at him appreciatively and was about to toss back a nasty comment. Before he could, Munch spoke.

"What's up with you, man?"

"Nothing," Elliot said, leaning forward in his chair and pretending to do work.

"Doesn't look like nothin'," Fin said.

"Just leave it guys," Elliot said. "I don't really want to get into it."

"Something happen with Liv?" Fin went for it, diving in head first. Fuck the small talk.

Elliot's head shot up and he looked at his two colleagues, wondering just how much they knew.

"Come on, man" Munch said. "Doesn't take a genius to figure that one out."

"Figure what out?" Elliot asked warily.

Fin sighed and leaned forward. "There was something going on between you two, wasn't there?"

Elliot sighed. "A lifetime ago, it seems." He paused and looked at the two of them. "But it's over now. It's done."

He had been up the entire night thinking things through. And he found himself unable to come to any other conclusion. Liv wanted nothing to do with him. In fact, he fully expected her to request a transfer just to get away. He thought about beating her to the punch, requesting a transfer before she could. The One-Six was the only family she had. He couldn't take that from her.

"Elliot!" A panicked voice broke through his thoughts. He turned toward the sound of it.

"Cap?"

The look in Cragen's eyes caused Elliot to jump from his seat. Despite the fact that he was on his feet, Elliot's stomach was on the floor.

"I just got a call from Mercy," Cragen was out of breath. Elliot could tell he was just trying to hold it together. "A bus just brought Olivia in… it's not good."

Elliot swallowed many times, wondering who had lined his throat with cotton and laced his blood with mud. He could hear his heartbeat pounding in his head and felt the floor spin. "What… what…" he croaked out.

"What happened, Cap?" Fin said, stepping up beside Elliot and placing a firm hand on his shoulder. He hoped this would center Elliot enough to focus on what Cragen had to say.

"She… she was beaten within an inch of her life."

Elliot choked back a sob.

"The doc says she was raped."


	6. Chapter 5

**DISCLAIMER: Yes, yes, we all know the story. The characters aren't mine. Doesn't stop me from playing, though!**

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><p>Elliot couldn't remember sitting down at his desk. He couldn't remember vomiting the contents of his stomach into the trash can on the floor beside him. He couldn't remember Fin bringing him a cup of water. He couldn't remember much of anything.<p>

Except anger.

Some part of him registered that there was movement around him, that things were going on, people were speaking, yelling even. But all he could think of was getting to her. He needed to get to Olivia.

He mustered all the strength left in him and stood up, nausea almost overtaking him yet again. No. He wouldn't lose it. He couldn't be weak. Not now. Not when she needed him.

God, if she were here, she'd probably chastise him, tell him to go fuck himself, that she didn't need his help. He knew better, though. She was like glass, so strong, yet so breakable.

Wordlessly, he put a hand on Fin's shoulder. Fin turned toward him and, seeing the look in Elliot's eyes, only nodded. It registered with Elliot that Fin had turned back to Cragen, that he was probably telling him that he needed to get Elliot to the hospital. Elliot felt the Captain's hands on his shoulders, saw his mouth moving but couldn't hear a word he said. He moved away slowly, toward the elevators, Fin right behind him.

Thoughts of Olivia swam around in his mind. He thought of the way she could read him like a book, the way she talked to victims, the way she dealt with perps. He thought of her body moving over his, of her mouth moving against his own, of her legs wrapped around his waist. He thought of the last time they were together, the night before. He thought of the bruises that dotted her skin, of the teeth marks and the wounds.

He felt his hands ball into fists, the Stabler rage began to course through his veins, pumping hotly and burning under his skin. He would find the asshole that did this to her.

And he would kill him.

As soon as they arrived at the hospital, Elliot came back to himself. He leapt from the car and bolted through the emergency room doors. He ran to the desk and slammed his hand down, commanding the attention of everyone there. He flashed his badge and growled, "Olivia Benson."

The nurses could tell he wasn't in the mood for bureaucratic bullshit. A nurse came around the desk and pulled him into a small and empty waiting room. "Your name?" the nurse said quietly.

Elliot face softened and he ran a hand over his eyes. "Elliot Stabler. I'm Detective Benson's partner." He took a moment to study the woman in front of him. She was young and had kind, tired eyes.

The nurse nodded. "My name is Dana. I helped treat Detective Benson when she first came in."

"Where is she? Please?" Elliot pleaded.

Dana sighed. "Detective Benson was severely beaten when she was brought in. She's up in surgery right now for a ruptured spleen. She's got several broken ribs, a fractured skull, her jaw was broken, as well as her right hand."

"God…" Elliot breathed. "Signs of sexual assault?"

The nurse paused before continuing. "She told us she was raped."

"She was conscious?"

Dana nodded. "Briefly, just after she was brought in."

"Rape kit?"

"It was done and sent over to your office," Dana informed him. "We found fluids and hair. He was… really rough. There was lots of tearing and bruising. And internally…"

"Oh God…" Elliot grasped the nurse's arms. "Will she be able to bear children?"

The nurse shook her head. "Not naturally, no."

"Jesus," Elliot could feel himself start to hyperventilate and sat down.

Dana lowered herself into the chair next to him. "She told us who her assailant was."

Elliot nodded. He already knew.

"She said your name, Detective."

Elliot's head shot up from where he was holding it in his hands. "What?"

"She said your name over and over again," Dana began again. "When I asked her if that's who raped her, she answered no."

Elliot sighed in relief. "It was her boyfriend, wasn't it?"

"She said David. David McCullum. That's all."

Elliot shook his head. "I never knew his name. But it has to be him. He's been beating her up for weeks until she finally tossed him. I… I was with her last night… before it happened."

Dana nodded. "Well, with everything we took during the exam, you should be able to nail the bastard." She stood up to go.

"Wait!" Elliot's hand shot out and grabbed her wrist. "Where can I find her?"

Dana looked softly into his eyes and finally seemed to understand what the partners meant to each other. "Surgery, third floor. She should be getting out soon and then they'll wheel her to ICU."

Elliot shot out of his seat and ran toward the bank of elevators. Halfway down the hall, he stopped and turned. "Dana," he called to the kind young nurse who'd helped him. She paused in front of the nurses' station and look at him. "Thank you."

She smiled softly and nodded. "I hope your partner is okay, Detective."

Elliot nodded and smiled a half-smile at her before turning and quickly closing the gap between the elevators and himself. When one finally arrived, he boarded it and pressed three over and over again, as if it would make the elevator move faster.

The doors finally opened on the third floor and he ran out, looking frantically for the nurses' station. As he approached, seeking information about Olivia, a set of doors swung open and a gurney was wheeled out.

"Olivia!" Elliot ran to the gurney and looked down at his partner. Despite the bruises and bandages covering her, he still saw her there, his partner, his best friend. "Liv…" Her eyes were closed, she was unconscious, still under an anesthetic from the surgery.

"Sir," a nurse touched his arm and attempted to move him away from the gurney. "Sir, we need to move her."

"I… I'm her partner," Elliot said, as if that made a difference.

"I understand," the nurse nodded. "But we need to get her to the ICU."

Elliot nodded in return and looked at Olivia again. He leaned down and very softly kissed her forehead. "I won't be far away," he whispered to her.

And with that, she was gone. And all he could do was wait.


	7. Chapter 6

**DISCLAIMER: None of the characters are mine. Oh, except Dana. She's mine. At least I own something, right?**

_**A/N: Okay, here is the newest chapter of the story. Read and review, if you feel so inclined. I would really appreciate some feedback, since apparently, I really struggle with this story. It's much darker than I've gone before. Any words of wisdom, advice or encouragement are so very welcome. Thank you!**_

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><p>The waiting room was dark, but Elliot didn't care. He preferred it that way. If he turned the lights on, he felt like he would have the face the reality of his situation, of Olivia's situation. She was here, in the hospital, in ICU, raped and beaten within an inch of her life. Because Elliot couldn't protect her. He was her partner, for Christ's sake. He was supposed to have her back.<p>

He was her friend. He was supposed to be there for her.

He loved her. He was supposed to take care of her.

And his failures where Olivia was concerned were epic; they were the raw crimes of a man who had fucked up his life so horribly that it was beyond fixing. He had failed Kathy, yes. He had failed his children, yes. But this… Olivia… this was the most grievous offense he had ever committed and he felt it cut down to his bones.

Suddenly, he was pulled from his deep pit of self-loathing by the sound of her name spoken by a familiar voice. His Captain. And he looked to the door to find Cragen's dark eyes as he entered the room, flanked by Munch and Fin.

"Elliot." The soft timbre of Cragen's voice was a clear indicator to him. He knew he looked terrible, broken, defeated. The trio approached and took their places beside their colleague and friend. Elliot appreciated their presence, but couldn't find a way to voice his gratitude to them.

Instead, his voice cracked with emotion as he spoke the words: "They won't let me see her yet."

The Captain nodded his understanding. "She just had major surgery, Elliot. They need to monitor her for a little while before they let us in."

Elliot looked at his Captain with bloodshot eyes. "Major surgery? I thought it was just a ruptured spleen."

Cragen looked at Munch and Fin before speaking again. "Elliot… she…" He struggled to find the words and Elliot knew the situation was much more grave than he'd been told. "She coded on the table."

And with that, Elliot lost his breath. "H-how? I don't understand." He could not bring his voice above a whisper for fear that the emotions coursing through his veins would explode from him in one long, angry wail.

"Her fractured skull was worse than they'd thought. She… her brain was bleeding. It's called a subdural hematoma. They had to perform a craniotomy to stop it."

_Oh God._

"Oh God." His voice trembled with emotion and his eyes filled with tears. His vision swam and his surroundings ran together, like the Salvador Dali paintings Olivia loved so much.

Olivia.

"The doctors are monitoring her closely. The next several hours are critical."

Cragen's voice seemed so far away. All Elliot could think of was Olivia's heart, the fact that just a short time ago, it had stopped beating. At that point, he knew that if her heart stopped forever, his would, too. He knew that he could not survive in a world that didn't have her in it.

"That bastard really did a number on her," Munch's voice broke through Elliot's thoughts, brought him back to present.

This made Elliot pause. The bastard… his name… he knew this. He ran his hands down his face, effectively erasing the tears and self-pity. It was time to stand up, to work, to function, to help her.

"David McCullum," Elliot croaked.

The three men looked at him with wide, shocked eyes. "You know him?" Fin asked, his fists clenching, his knuckles cracking with the need to punch something, someone.

"No," Elliot whispered. "I spoke with a nurse downstairs. She said Olivia was barely conscious when she was brought it, but she was able to tell them the name of her rapist. David McCullum, she said. It's her boyfriend."

"How do you know that, Elliot?" Cragen asked, the disbelief evident in his voice.

"He's been beating her up for weeks," Elliot stood and crossed the room. He needed to get moving, to get the blood flowing through him again if he was going to be of use to her. "I saw the bruises, I confronted her about it. She said he hit her, she hit him back and threw him out."

The three men smiled. That sounded like the Olivia they knew and they were relieved.

"When? Munch asked. They were really going now. Elliot could feel the shock and despair falling away, the autonomy coming back into his limbs, the desire to be active returning.

"This happened two nights ago. I confronted her about it yesterday morning. And then…" Elliot paused. If he were to continue, he would have to reveal their relationship to the others. And it felt like a betrayal. Olivia had already been violated enough; could he do this to her?

"Elliot?" Cragen's voice was supportive, but inquiring.

"I… I was with her in her apartment last night. She got angry with me, threw me out. It had to have happened after that."

"Why was she angry?" He knew that Cragen could tell where this was going. Elliot sighed and turned away from the three sets of prying eyes. It would be easier if he couldn't see them. He silently apologized to Olivia.

"She said I was treating her like a victim, trying to fix her. She said I couldn't; she was already broken, damaged goods, she said."

"Elliot," he heard Cragen rise and cross the room to him. "Were you and Olivia… involved?"

He could only nod, even though it was so much more than that. _Involved _didn't even begin to cover it.

Cragen sighed. "How long?"

"A few weeks, but it ended months ago," Elliot whispered. "Then she started dating this guy, McCullum, I guess." He paused and then felt his next words leave his mouth before he could stop them. "The nurse told me she said my name when she was brought in." Elliot turned to his Captain with pleading, sad eyes. "Cap, she was asking for me. And I wasn't there. I couldn't protect her."

Cragen sighed again and placed a large, supportive hand on Elliot's shoulder. "None of us could, Elliot. This is not your fault."

"We'll find him, Elliot," Munch said. Fin stood up, his fists still clenched and only nodded.

Cragen stepped back. "Damn right we will. Munch, Fin. Go back to the house and find everything you can on David McCullum. I'm going to meet CSU over at her apartment, see what we find."

As they turned to leave, Elliot remembered some things Olivia told him. "Wait," his voice came out stronger than he would have thought possible, considering he felt shattered on the inside. He pulled strength from somewhere and he was pretty sure it was from his love for her, for Olivia. "She told me what he looked like. She said he was tall, handsome, with sandy hair. She also said he had a black eye fit for a boxer." And with that, Elliot felt a grin form on his lips.

The three other men smiled in response. They knew Olivia didn't take shit from anyone. They knew, in order for something like this to happen to her, McCullum had to have the element of surprise. Maybe a weapon. They knew she wouldn't give in without a fight.

Suddenly, Elliot was alone, his thoughts racing, his blood pumping, his heart hammering. He took a deep breath and turned back to the window, opening the blinds to let some light in. It was time to face it, to take it head on, to put on a brave face. This time, he would be there for her. This time, he would protect her. This time, he wouldn't let her go.

The sun was beginning to wane, early evening setting on the city. He couldn't believe he'd only been there a few hours. It felt like a lifetime since he'd last seen her. He remembered the bruises, the contusions, the hurt in her eyes as he traced her wounds with his fingers. He remembered her lips parting in anger. He felt a stab of regret hit him directly in the heart.

Of course she wasn't damaged goods. She was not broken. She couldn't be. He would stand next to her through this. He was determined to be her rock, her foundation. If she would let him.

As he told her last night, she was Olivia fucking Benson. And if anyone could make it through this, she could.

He scrubbed a hand down his face and felt a slow weariness settle into his bones. He struggled to remember his life before this, before the events of the last 24 hours. Was it really just last night that he'd felt her lips press to his? Felt her tongue tangle with his own? Had he really had her skin, her hair in his hands such a short time ago?

"Detective Stabler?" a soft voice startled him and he jumped, turning around to face the offender. It was Dana, the kind nurse from the emergency room. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt," she held a hand out in front of her, as if to calm him. "I just wanted to see how Detective Benson was doing."

Elliot took a deep breath, attempting to slow his heart rate, and forced a sad smile to his lips. "I wish I could tell you," he said softly. "They won't let me see her."

Dana nodded and wordlessly left the room, leaving Elliot puzzled and a little disheartened. He sank down into a nearby chair and rested his forehead against his hands. He felt the loneliness consume him. He missed her. Olivia. He missed her.

Soon, as if sensing he wasn't alone anymore, Elliot looked up toward the door. Sure enough, he saw Dana's silhouette, brightly lit from the harsh fluorescent lighting of the hallway outside the darkened waiting room. "Follow me, Detective," was all she said.

Elliot rose and crossed the room, following her out and squinting his eyes against the obtrusive light. It was too much for his senses. Dana led him through a set of double doors and down a short hallway. Elliot felt himself calming. He was close to her. He would be okay. She would be okay.

Dana finally stopped in front of a door. Elliot could see that it was dark inside the room. He flexed his hands, feeling like an electric current was pulsing through him. He was so close to her. So close.

"Detective." Elliot forced himself to focus on Dana's words. "Do you need me to prepare you for what you're going to see in there? She's not going to look… like you remember."

"She will look beautiful," Elliot found himself saying.

Dana nodded. "She's heavily bandaged around her head. Her jaw has been wired shut. In order to make sure her breathing stays normal, they had to perform a tracheotomy. The tube in her throat is breathing for her. She is hooked up to a morphine drip and is being kept unconscious for healing purposes. She is heavily bruised and her right hand is in a cast."

Elliot absorbed everything Dana told him and looked to the door again. "Please. Please, I need to see her."

"Okay," Dana pushed the door open for him, allowing him to cross the threshold and watching him cross slowly to her bedside.

Elliot felt a sob work its way up from his stomach and through his mouth, the tears streaming down his face. He collapsed in a chair on the left side of her bed and took her hand in his, pressing it to his cheek and kissing her fingers. He didn't fight his emotions, didn't try to keep them at bay. He allowed the tears to fall, allowed himself to weep for her.

He felt a hand on his back and knew it was Dana. "Talk to her, Detective. It will help, more than you know." And with that, Dana was gone.

He looked up into her bruised, swollen, beautiful face and forced himself to speak.

"Liv," he choked out. "Liv, I'm here. I'm here and I'm sorry. I'm sorry for everything." He kissed her hand again. "I'm not going anywhere. I will be here when you wake up, okay?"

He watched her, even though he knew she wouldn't wake, and prayed silently for a moment. He pressed one more kiss to her hand and laid his head down on her bed. Then he whispered the words he wished he'd said to her more often. The words he had always known were true. The words that scared her to death.

"I love you, Liv."

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><p><em><strong>So? What did you think? :)<strong>_


	8. Chapter 7

**DISCLAIMER: None of the characters are mine. I know, it's sad.**

_**A/N: Sorry for the delay! And I'm sorry this chapter is so short! My muse has taken a little vacation, I think. But I was able to crank this one out and I wanted to get it posted. Hopefully, I'll get my mojo back. :)**_

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><p>The first thing he registered was beeping. A steady, high-pitched beeping. Pulsing, slow, steady.<p>

The second thing that came to his mind was the ache he felt in his neck. Curiosity got the better of him and he lifted his head, only to regret it the moment he opened his eyes. He was thrust back into the present, the past 36 hour rushing over him like a tsunami wave.

He had fallen asleep at her bedside, his cheek pressed into her hand. He had fallen asleep at her bedside, silently praying that she would wake up, that she would come back to him. He had fallen asleep at her bedside, softly murmuring over and over _I love you, I love you, I love you…_

He wiped the sleep from his eyes and, looking down upon her, fought the tears that threatened to consume him all over again. He needed to get a grip on himself. She would need him to be strong when she woke up. When her body had healed enough to be brought out of this medically-induced sleep her doctors' wisely had her in.

Not letting go of her hand, Elliot stood from his chair and stretched his back, feeling it pop and adjust after hours of stillness. He glanced down at his watch and saw that it was just after three in the morning. He sighed and, lifting her hand to his mouth, pressed a kiss to her fingertips before setting it back down on the bed and walking toward the window. He drew the curtains and looked down upon the city he called home, the city that reminded him so much of her: vibrant, alive, electric.

He refused to think of her broken, beaten, violated. That wasn't Olivia. He was certain she would never want those terms associated with her and wouldn't do her the disservice of thinking of her that way. She would survive this. She would survive it and come through stronger on the other side. And he would help her in whatever way he could. In whatever way she would let him.

Elliot heard the door open softly behind him and turned to greet the intruder. It was a weary-looking nurse, coming in to take Olivia's vital signs. As she turned on the dim light above Olivia's bed, she cast him a soft smile and went about her business, checking her I.V. bag and her wound dressings. Elliot watched her face, searching for some sign that Olivia would be okay. There was nothing.

She glanced up at him as she finished marking her chart and registered the disappointment and hurt on his face. "It's still early yet," she said softly. "No change is a good thing right now. Her vitals are steady and the doctors want to keep her under for another day or so. Once she heals a bit more, they'll start weaning her off the morphine. Then, she'll come back. Okay?"

Elliot could only nod as he took his place in the hard chair by her bed, grasping her hand in his once again.

The nurse paused before she left the room. "Can I get you some coffee? Or something from the vending machine down the hall?"

Elliot glanced up gratefully. "Coffee would be great. Thank you."

The nurse nodded and left the room, the door swishing softly shut behind her. With the light on, Elliot could see more of Olivia's face and what he saw was shocking. Her face was nearly purple with bruising, her lips were split in more than one place, and she had a decent-sized gash above her right eyebrow that had needed to be stitched up.

The bandages covering her head were thick and Elliot could tell that the surgeons had had to shave Olivia's hair off in order to perform the surgery. He grieved for the loss of her hair, knowing it was a source of pride for her. Fortunately, the craniotomy had not been nearly as invasive as it could have been. The surgeons had been successful in stopping the bleeding without having to remove a piece of her skull and the swelling and pressure in her brain was minimal. Elliot thanked God for small favors.

The nurse returned, a Styrofoam cup full of steaming coffee in her hands. She handed it to him with the same kind smile she'd given him moments again. "Just made a fresh pot."

Elliot accepted the cup and inhaled the earthy scent before blowing on the coffee softly and taking a sip. He sighed as he swallowed and gave the nurse a small smile. "Thank you so much."

"You're welcome," she said, turning to go but pausing again before she finished crossing the room. "My name is Sarah. If you need anything, just give me a buzz." Sarah gestured to the button on the wall that connected to the nurse's station.

Elliot nodded and watched Sarah leave the room. Then, he turned back toward Olivia and settled in for the night, sipping his coffee delicately and continuing the silent stream of prayers he'd been offering to God since he'd received the news that Olivia had been hurt. He just hoped someone was listening.

* * *

><p>The sound of a door swishing open jolted Elliot out of a restless slumber, his head jerking upright from its place on the soft hospital mattress next to Olivia's hand. With weary eyes, he turned his head toward the sound and was more than shocked by the visitor.<p>

"Kathy," he whispered.

"Dana called me after she finished her shift yesterday," his ex-wife took a tentative step into the room. "How is she doing?" Kathy nodded in Olivia's direction and looked back at Elliot for an answer.

Elliot looked back at Olivia and spoke softly, as if afraid of waking her. "No change yet."

He heard Kathy approach and felt a gentle hand on his shoulder. "She's strong, Elliot. She'll pull through this."

Elliot could only nod his head. But briefly, he lifted his free hand to squeeze Kathy's fingertips in appreciation.

Kathy returned the gesture quickly and then pulled her hand away. "I figured you hadn't eaten, so I brought you a breakfast sandwich and some coffee."

"Oh." Elliot was genuinely surprised at the sudden and unexpected kindness, but took the items from his ex-wife nonetheless. "What time is it?"

"Just after seven," Kathy informed him.

"Oh," Elliot said again. "Thanks, Kathy. Not only for the food, but… for stopping by. It's good to see you."

Kathy smiled at him, her features softening considerably, her generosity and selflessness out in full force. "You're welcome," she replied simply. She made a small move toward the door, but stopped herself and Elliot watched as she contemplated whatever was going through her mind at that moment. "Elliot…"

"Yeah?" He peeled back the small opening in the lid of the coffee cup and took a tentative sip. He woke up just a little bit more in that moment, but was still entirely unprepared for the next few words to leave Kathy's mouth.

"You love her, don't you?"

In that moment, the coffee was just a bit too hot, the lights were just a bit too bright and his cheeks were just a bit too warm. He had no idea what to say to her and the tiled floor next to his feet had just become incredibly interesting, so he let his gaze rest on his shoes.

"It's okay, you don't have to answer. I already know." Kathy's voice wasn't hurt, it didn't ache or want or beg; it merely stated a fact. And with that, she was gone.

In that moment, Elliot looked toward the now-closed door and wondered what the hell just happened. Had his ex-wife really just brought him food as he refused to leave the bedside of his partner, the woman he loved, the woman with whom he'd had an affair mere months before?

He snorted softly and looked back to Olivia. "How do you like that, Liv?" He smiled at her and took her hand, squeezing it gently.

Suddenly, he felt her fingertips twitch against his palm. It was the first kind of response he'd gotten from her in nearly two days. His eyes widened and he squeezed her hand again.

Nothing.

Another squeeze.

No response.

Elliot sighed softly. "Don't worry, Liv. I'll be here when you wake up." He sat back in his seat and began to unwrap his sandwich.

* * *

><p>Elliot stood by the window of Olivia's hospital room, taking in the sights and soft sounds of the city she loved so much. Dusk was falling and the buildings were bathed in an orange glow. Elliot found himself describing it to the steady rhythm of her heart monitor.<p>

He heard the door swish open and turned, expecting to see another nurse coming in to take Olivia's vitals. Instead, he was greeted by Munch and Fin, who began speaking to him but fell silent as they took in the sight of their colleague and friend, their beloved Olivia.

"Jesus," Munch breathed, running a hand over his mouth, unable to step closer to her bedside.

Fin remained silent as he approached her. He took her unbroken hand in his own and leaned down, softly whispering, "Don't worry, Baby Girl. We're gonna get him." After pausing a moment, he turned to Elliot and squared off. Fin's stance was strong, legs planted, arms crossed. Then, he spoke, his voice betraying the anger they all felt.

"Thank God this asshole was easy to find."

_**Want more? Review please! Maybe it'll help keep the creative juices flowing! :D**_


	9. Chapter 8

**DISCLAIMER: Not mine.**

_**Author's Note: Thanks for sticking with me everyone! Sorry for the delay, but hopefully this will be to your liking. :) **_

* * *

><p>"Easy to find?" Elliot crossed the room to where Fin was standing. "What do you mean?"<p>

"We ran his name through the Department of Motor Vehicles database and got around 25 hits. After paging through, we pulled anyone who looked like the description you gave, ran their images through ViCAP and got a winner."

Fin handed Elliot a folder. Elliot looked at him for a moment, gathering the strength he needed to look into the face of Olivia's rapist. He opened the folder and saw the man that she described to him: handsome, sandy blond hair. Elliot sighed and fought the urge to tear the picture into pieces.

"You have him in custody yet?"

Fin shook his head. "He's not at his apartment. We canvassed his building and found a neighbor who had become this guy's friend. We asked him where McCullum liked to hang out and he gave us some hot spots. We were on our way to check them out now, but thought we'd drop this photo off to you, just in case Liv woke up."

"And also to see her," Munch finally spoke up. He'd made his way to her bedside and was grasping her hand in his own. Elliot thought how odd it was to see the man put his emotions on display, but he supposed they were all a little weak when it came to Olivia. She was the heart of their precinct, she was their humanity, their conscience. She kept them honest and good and working for the victim. They would make this right for her.

Elliot and Fin exchanged a sorrowful glance and made their way over to the other side of Olivia's hospital bed. "The doctors and nurses I've spoken with seem optimistic, Munch," Elliot said softly. "They're keeping her under until tomorrow, but then, if things keep steady, they'll start taking her off the morphine."

Munch nodded somberly but didn't speak. Elliot needed to give him hope, needed to give them all hope.

"Her fingers moved against mine," he said softly and watched as his colleagues' eyes darted toward him.

"What?" Fin breathed.

"Last night. I was holding her hand and I said something to her and I felt her fingers twitch against my hand." Elliot paused and took a deep breath. "She's in there, guys. We just have to wait a little while to get her back."

Munch smiled and nodded.

"C'mon, Skinny," Fin pulled Munch out of his seat and pushed him toward the door. "Let's go get this guy."

And with that, they were gone.

That night, when it became obvious that Elliot had no plans of leaving Olivia's room any time in the near future, Sarah, the kind night shift nurse, brought him a cot to sleep in. It remained unoccupied most of the night, however, as Elliot divided his time between sitting by her bedside and pacing her room.

Finally, at about 1am, Elliot decided to try and settle in, to get some sleep. He would need to be strong for her tomorrow, when the doctor's brought her out of her medically-induced coma. He, too, needed rest. As hard as he tried, he wasn't Superman.

He crossed the room to her bed and took her hand, leaning in close to her and whispering, "I'm going to get some sleep, Liv. But I will be right next to you the whole time, okay?" He watched her face for any sign that she heard him and received nothing. He sighed softly, disheartened and angry with himself for expecting a different outcome. He softly kissed her bandaged forehead and brought his lips to her ear. "Come back to me, Olivia. I love you."

He gave her hand one final squeeze and set himself down on the cot at her bedside, falling asleep to the constant sound of her heart monitor beeping its steady rhythm. The beating of her heart, the beating of his own.

* * *

><p>"Detective Stabler."<p>

Elliot awoke early the next morning, Sarah's voice soft and soothing in his ear. His eyes fluttered open and he groaned at his lack of sleep. The cot was mercifully better than the chair he'd been occupying, but still his sleep had been fitful, unrestful. His dreams were haunted by images of Olivia, beautiful and soft and sexy, then beaten, broken and raped. He didn't think he would ever be able to reconcile those two versions of her and he wished with his whole heart that he could pretend the latter didn't exist.

"Detective Stabler?"

Elliot sat up and looked at Sarah, the last foggy bits of sleep falling away from him as the world came into focus. "Sarah," he rasped, his voice having been unused for so many hours.

"I'm going off shift now, but I thought I would check on Detective Benson one more time. And I wanted to check on you as well."

Elliot smiled a small smile at the kind nurse, his favorite of the many he'd met in the last couple of days. "I'm fine, thank you." Then, seemingly from out of nowhere, Sarah produced a cup of steaming hot coffee. "Oh, Sarah, bless you," Elliot whispered, taking the Styrofoam cup from her hands and inhaling the strong, earthy scent.

Sarah smiled at him then. "I've checked Detective Benson's vital signs one last time and she's making a tremendous recovery, Detective Stabler. The doctor said that, if she didn't have any crises in 48 hours, that he would begin to wean her off the morphine. She has been crisis-free and I'm going to recommend that he move forward with bringing her back to you."

Elliot's eyes lit up and Sarah smiled. "Really?" he asked, standing up and taking Olivia's hand in his own.

"Really," Sarah said, still smiling. "I'm going to indicate it in her charts right now." Sarah paused and watching Elliot smile down at his partner. "Detective… she's still going to be very groggy and she will be on painkillers for her surgery, so she's still going to sleep most of the time anyway. But once she comes around… the events of her trauma will come back to her. We are going to order a psych eval for her and you should be prepared to deal with the effects of the…"

"Of the rape," Elliot finished. "I know. I deal with this every day."

"Yes, you do," Sarah continued. "But you've never dealt with _her _rape."

Elliot's eyes snapped to Sarah's quickly and he swallowed hard. He tried to find the words, but could only nod.

Sarah nodded in return. "I'll be back tonight. In the meantime, Colleen, the day nurse, will be here for anything you need. Okay?"

Elliot nodded again and stared at his hand intertwined with Olivia's. As he heard the door open, signaling Sarah's exit, he quickly turned. "Sarah!"

The nurse paused in her tracks and looked at Elliot expectantly.

"I… I want to thank you… for everything you've done for Olivia. And for me."

Sarah smiled a genuine, soft smile that reached her tired eyes. "You're welcome, Detective. I'll see you tonight." And with that she was gone. And Elliot was alone with his sleeping partner again.

"Did you hear that, Liv? You'll be back soon. And I'll be here for whatever you need." Elliot waited and prayed for one tiny movement, any small signal that she was in there. "You just… you just have to promise me one thing, okay?" Elliot paused and tried to swallow the lump in his throat. "You have to promise that you'll forgive me." He closed his eyes and felt the tears stream down his cheeks, constant flowing rivers coursing across his face.

Very suddenly, Olivia's first finger curled tightly around his own. His eyes shot up to her face but she remained unmoving, save for her hand. Then, just as quickly as it had come, it was gone. Elliot smiled. She was there. His Liv was strong and she was ready to come back to him.

* * *

><p>His vigil by her bedside was constant. Since her doctor had begun withdrawing her morphine, he hadn't wanted to leave her, for fear that she might wake up alone. He refused to let that happen. He promised himself that he would never let her feel pain or fear again. And he intended to make good on that promise.<p>

As he waited, he stared at the file that Fin had dropped off to him yesterday. The face of their perp haunted him; this man had wounded his partner, scarred her soul, shattered her womb, taken her independence. For all his talk about wanting to kill the scum they dealt with everyday, he'd never wanted to murder anyone more than this man. He'd never needed Olivia's calming presence more; he needed her to keep him in check, to keep him from doing something he would regret, to keep him honest and sane. As he felt the anger course hotly through his veins, he closed his eyes and took deep breaths to settle himself.

As he began to come back to himself once again, his cell phone rang from its spot on the table by Olivia's bed. Without letting go of her hand, he snatched it up and answered it.

"Stabler."

"Elliot," Fin's voice was triumphant in his ears. "We got him."

As Elliot processed the information his colleague had given him, a soft moan disturbed his thoughts. The voice was so soft he could barely hear it. But he knew it like he knew the beating of his own heart.

The phone clattered to the floor and he gripped her hand in both of his own.

"Olivia…"

Her name was a prayer whispered across his smiling lips.

**_Please, please, please, please review! Thank you!_**


	10. Chapter 9

**DISCLAIMER: The hospital staff are mine. No one else. I'm pretty sad about it.**

_**A/N: Hey guys, I noticed a mistake in the last chapter (of course, I realized it AFTER I'd had this one mostly written!) and had to fix it. But it changes some things, so here's what going on: originally, at the end of the last chapter, I had Olivia say Elliot's name. And then, I realized that I hadn't had anyone take her tracheotomy tube out yet! So, I changed the last chapter a bit. She never said Elliot's name and she still has the tube in at the beginning of this chapter. **_

_**I work in theater, so I'm clearly not a doctor, but I'm trying my best with the medical stuff. I'm Googling a lot and recalling the many episodes of ER that I've seen. So, I'm sorry if there are some inaccuracies where those pieces are concerned. If I've royally screwed anything up, please let me know! Thanks again for reading! I appreciate it more than I can say. :)**_

* * *

><p>As he gripped her hand in his own, he watched her struggle to open her eyes. He watched her fight her way back to consciousness, knowing that once she did, she would most likely wish she never had. But he couldn't think of that. All he could think of was his love for the woman lying before him, all he could think of was getting her back, of being there for her, to help her, if she would let him.<p>

She moaned and fought against the tube in her throat, squeezing his hand so tightly he thought she might draw blood.

"I'm here, Liv," Elliot said softly, reassuringly. "I'm here."

She moaned in response.

"Okay, Liv," Elliot said. "Let me get the doctor." He started to drop her hand and she gripped it as tightly as she could.

Wide, terrified eyes shot opened and found his face. She locked her grip on his arm, begging him not to leave her. She was still heavily medicated, confused, scared. It terrified the hell out of him.

"It's okay, Liv," Elliot took her hand again and lovingly stroked her cheek. "It's okay. I won't leave, I promise."

Knowing she needed a doctor's attention, Elliot pressed the call button for the nurses' station, hoping someone would arrive soon. Mercifully, the door swung open and in stepped Colleen, the day nurse. "Yes, Detective Stabler?"

Elliot turned but did not release Olivia's hand from his grip. "She's awake. Disoriented and in pain."

Colleen quickly approached the bed. "Detective Benson?" Olivia's eyes opened into tiny slits as she fought to find the owner of this new voice. "You're in the hospital. You have a tube in your throat and your jaw is wired shut. You can't speak. But you're okay. I need you to calm down."

Olivia closed her eyes and nodded.

"Good. Good girl," Colleen touched her cheek softly and Olivia recoiled as much as she could before wincing and moaning in pain. "I'm going to get the doctor for you. We'll get you something for the pain, okay?"

Olivia's nodded in response and Colleen darted out of the room. She looked at Elliot with wide, pleading eyes, begging him to understand.

"I know, Liv," Elliot touched her cheek and was relieved to see she didn't pull away. "I know."

The room went quiet as they waited for the doctor to arrive. The silence was only broken by Olivia's small moans of pain and Elliot's soft words of comfort. Soon, the hospital room door opened and Olivia's doctor entered. Elliot had met him a few times over the past several days and knew him to be a man of few words. He only hoped his bedside manner with his patients was better than his overall demeanor. Fortunately, Colleen followed after him and Elliot felt reassured in her presence.

"Detective Benson?" the doctor's voice was soft and Elliot was relieved.

Olivia nodded in response, indicating that she'd heard him and understood him.

The doctor smiled. "I'm Doctor Carter. Don't try to speak, okay? That tube is helping to keep your breathing normal. Your jaw is broken and wired shut."

She released her grip on Elliot's hand to bring her fingers to the tube protruding from her throat. She looked at the doctor and Elliot with pleading eyes.

"She wants the tube out," Elliot said.

"Okay, we'll work on that," the doctor nodded. "Is it okay if I check your eyes?" Olivia nodded and the doctor pried her eyes open to shine a small light in them. "Pupils are equal and reactive," Carter told Colleen who indicated it in her chart. "Olivia, on a scale of one to ten, how bad is the pain right now?"

Olivia held up both hands, indicating her pain was severe.

"Okay," the doctor said. "We're going to get you something for that." He gave some directions to Colleen who nodded and left to prepare the medication. "I know this is a lot to take in right now, so I won't go over the extent of your injuries. Just know that you're making a beautiful recovery and that you're going to be okay. Okay?"

Olivia nodded.

"Okay," Doctor Carter patted her hand and looked up as Colleen entered the room. "Push it all. She needs to rest."

"Yes, Doctor," Colleen said, bringing a small syringe to Olivia's I.V. bag. "It's some morphine," she told Elliot softly. "Not as much as she's been on, but it'll relieve the pain and help her rest more."

Elliot nodded and watched her administer the drug, thankful that it would give Olivia some relief.

"Rest now, Olivia," Doctor Carter said. "I'll be back to check on you in a few hours. By that time, you should be feeling better."

Olivia gave a small nod and let her eyes slip closed.

"Thank you, Doctor," Elliot said, standing to shake the man's hand. The Doctor took it and smiled at him, then wordlessly left the room.

"Buzz me if you need anything," Colleen smiled and followed the Doctor out. And with that, they were alone.

Olivia fought to keep her eyes open and on Elliot.

"Rest now, Liv. I'll be here when you wake up," Elliot said softly, pressing a light kiss to her forehead.

Olivia merely nodded.

He watched her for a few moments and then remembered his phone. It had rung seconds before she had woken up and Elliot recalled the good news that Fin had given him: they'd gotten McCullum. He snatched the phone up from the floor, thankful that somehow it hadn't broken, and dialed Fin's number.

"Fin," he said. "She woke up." He couldn't stop the grin from forming, nor the tears from streaming down his face.

* * *

><p>The grin on Fin's face was broad as he shouted across the squad room. "Cap!"<p>

Cragen made a beeline for Fin's desk, speaking determinedly, firmly. "You have news?"

"Liv's back."

Cragen's eyes widened and he smiled softly. "Well then let's make sure we have some good news for her when we visit. I think we've let McCullum sweat it out long enough. You and Munch go break him. I want him to confess to everything he did to her. I want this bastard to rot in jail."

"You got it, Cap," Munch said, following Fin across the squad room and into the interrogation room.

And with that, the Captain retired to his office. As he shut the door behind him, he leaned softly against it and let a few small, silent tears slip from his eyes. His girl was back. The precious daughter he'd never had. The detective he'd watched turn from greener-than-green to a strong, confident tour-de-force. The woman he'd watched grow up in front of his eyes. She was back.

Clearing his throat gruffly, Cragen wiped his eyes on his sleeve and left his office to watch Fin and Munch break the man who'd shattered their friend.

Elliot sat back in the chair beside Olivia's bed. It felt as though it had formed to his body. He felt sorry for the next person to sit in it. He knew it would forever have his ass print in the cushion. He chuckled softly at the thought.

* * *

><p>David McCullum's file lay open in his lap. Munch and Fin had faxed over everything they'd found on the guy and Elliot sat, taking notes on a steno pad that Sarah, who had started her shift an hour ago, had kindly provided him.<p>

His phone buzzed softly from the table beside him. He was thankful in that moment that he'd turned the ringer off. The last thing he wanted was to disturb his sleeping partner. He glanced at the caller ID and saw Fin's name. He answered quickly. "Fin, what've you got?"

"Not much, Elliot," Fin said. The frustration in his voice was evident. "Bastard won't cop to anything. We need Liv's statement. Cap wants us to come down and get it."

"She can't speak, Fin."

"I know," Fin acquiesced. "We're bringing a dry erase board with us, so we can get the details."

Elliot sighed. "Okay. She's still sleeping. But she should be awake pretty soon. At least that's what Sarah, the night nurse, told me when she stopped by earlier. When she wakes up, they'll be taking the tube out of her throat."

"Okay. We'll be down in about an hour. We need to get him for this tonight. Other than the black eye, we don't have anything to hold him on."

"Prints in the apartment?" Elliot said.

"He was her boyfriend, Elliot. The prints could have been from weeks ago."

Elliot sighed. "Yeah. Okay. If she wakes up before you get here, I'll prep her. See you soon."

"Yup."

Elliot hung up his phone and set it beside him, sighing and running his hand down his face. He heard a slight rustle come from Olivia's bed and his eyes shot up to where she lay. She was awake and staring up at the ceiling, tearing streaming from the corners of her eyes. "Hey," Elliot whispered, dragging his chair quietly and quickly to her bedside. "Hey…" he slipped his hand into hers, giving it a small squeeze.

She shut her eyes tightly, more tears slipping down her cheeks.

"I'm going to call the doctor, okay? He can get that tube out," Elliot pressed the call button again and within seconds, Sarah opened the door to the hospital room.

"Well, look who's awake!" Sarah exclaimed softly. "I've been waiting to meet you for days, Olivia."

Olivia looked at the nurse and then back at Elliot, squeezing his hand.

Elliot smiled. "Olivia, this is Sarah. She's been taking really good care of you."

"Not to mention keeping your partner in constant supply of coffee," Sarah smiled down at Olivia. "It's good to have you back, Olivia. Now let's see what we can do about getting this tube out of your throat." Sarah made a call from a phone in the corner of the room and was back to Olivia's bedside in moments. "Now, Olivia. When the doctor removes the tube, you're going to have to really focus on your breathing. A wired jaw can make it difficult to breathe, but not impossible. Just try not to get worked up, okay?"

Olivia simply nodded.

"You'll be able to speak a little, but not well. And you'll be on a liquid diet for the next several weeks."

Olivia nodded again.

As Sarah busied herself around the room, Elliot leaned in close to Olivia and whispered, "It will be good to hear your voice again."

Olivia turned her face to look him in the eyes. She pulled her hand from his grip and reached up, touching his cheek and smiling softly. Elliot leaned in and softly kissed her forehead, pulling back afterwards to look into her eyes.

The doctor arrived in short order and set to work in removing the tube from Olivia's throat. The process was easy and Olivia had no complications, so after her neck was bandaged up, the doctor excused himself and Sarah set about checking Olivia's vital signs. Elliot, in need of a task, poured a small cup of water for Olivia and, picking up the small straw from the table, brought it to her lips.

"Small sips, okay?" he whispered. Olivia nodded and sucked the end of the straw, swallowing slowly and carefully.

Once she had finished, Elliot set the cup on the bedside table and turned back to her. She gripped his hand and looked into his eyes. And then, through the wires holding her jaw together, she spoke.

"El."

Her voice was barely a whisper, but it was there. And she said his name. And with that, the tears streamed down Elliot's cheeks and he buried his face in the blankets that covered her.

She reached over her body with her plaster-covered wrist and stroked her fingers through his hair, letting the tears escape her own eyes. She felt the pain she felt leave her body with each year and replaced it with a resolve she didn't even know she possessed. She would get through this. She would get better. She had to.

For him.

_**Okay, I think we're back on track here. Please review. And again, let me know if I've messed anything up severely. Thank you everyone!**_


	11. Chapter 10

**DISCLAIMER: Characters aren't mind.**

_**A/N: This chapter was really, really hard to write. Like, really hard. It will contain the details of Olivia's attack. Therefore, it might be hard to read. Keep in mind, this is rated M for a reason. **_

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><p>Selfish.<p>

If Elliot could describe himself in one word, it would be selfish.

Here he was, sobbing his eyes out, inconsolable, terrified, hurting. And here she was, bruised and beaten… and comforting him.

Just like she always did.

The strength Olivia possessed never ceased to amaze him. He had always been drawn to it, like a moth to a flame. Her character, her confidence, her fearlessness… they were all a part of her. And they were all a part of why Elliot had fallen in love with her.

He had always been the weak one, hiding behind his morals and his muscles, trying his damndest to make others believe he was strong. His strength paled in comparison to hers. He was strong on the outside only; she had strength laced through her soul. It's what enabled her to empathize with the victims so quickly, so fully. Elliot wanted to go out and crack skulls; Olivia wanted justice and healing. Her beauty, heart and strength captured him, held him, loved him.

And he was taking advantage. As always. But he couldn't stop himself. He couldn't stop himself from weeping over her, from weeping over the fact that he had failed her, allowed her to get hurt. He was so angry, so sad. He felt her wounds deeply and wanted so badly to make things right that he felt overwhelmed and didn't even know where to begin. Now that the floodgates had been opened, he wasn't sure how to close them.

So he cried.

Until he heard her voice.

"El." Her whisper was soft, pained.

He took several deep breaths, swallowed his sobs, and forced himself to calm down, forced himself to focus on her instead of himself for one fucking second. He looked up at her, his eyes red and swollen from exhaustion and weeping, and chewed his bottom lip softly.

"Liv… I'm sorry…" he spoke.

She shook her head and brought the tips of her fingers to his mouth. "No," she said as firmly as she could.

"I should be strong for you," he said, trying to wipe the tear tracks from his cheeks.

"You're here," she said. Her words were soft and kind, but they ran deep in Elliot's veins. He knew that she was thankful for the time he spent at her bedside. He knew that she knew he didn't leave her. Not once.

Elliot smiled and touched her cheek softly, watching as she closed her eyes at the feel of his fingers on her skin. "You scared me. I wasn't sure I'd ever touch you again, talk to you, hear your voice."

"I… I'm here," Olivia spoke the only words she could say. "I'm here, El."

Elliot could only nod. He knew if he opened his mouth, the tears would start again. And he didn't want to break down. Not now.

"Liv…" Elliot trailed off, unsure of how to begin. He looked at her, this beautiful woman, and saw her watching him expectantly. "Fin and Munch are on their way down here. They… they need to get your statement."

Olivia took a deep breath and nodded upon her exhale. "Okay."

"Liv… they have a man in custody… he fits the description you gave me before…"

"Before he raped me," Olivia's words were strong, full of as much anger as she could manage.

"Yes," Elliot breathed.

Olivia breathed deeply once more and steeled herself for what was to come. Elliot had never seen a strength like this before. "Okay," was the only word she said.

"Liv… if you're not up for it, we can-"

"No," she cut him off with a word and a squeeze of his hand. "I want to do this, El. I need to."

Elliot nodded. "Okay. But if it gets too hard to talk, you know, with the wire and all…" he fumbled with his words and she shot him a look. In trying to give her a way out, he'd made it seem like he was placating her. "I know, I know…" he managed a small smile and was relieved to see it returned. There was nothing in the world like her smile.

"I'll be okay, El," Olivia said, stroking the back on his hand with her thumb.

Elliot sighed, nodded and squeezed her hand. "I know you will. I… I just hope that you'll let me help… I know you said that you don't need to be fixed, I know, but…"

"I'm sorry I said that," Olivia closed her eyes, fighting the memory. "I'm sorry for… everything…"

"Liv…"

At that moment, Elliot heard the door behind him slide open and bony fingers rap against it. "Liv?" Munch's voice was low and full of concern.

Olivia looked once more at Elliot and took a deep breath, nodding once. Elliot turned toward the door. "Come in, guys. She's awake." And with that, he stepped back to give his colleagues a chance to greet their friend.

Olivia gave them both a weak smile that didn't touch her eyes. "John… Fin…"

The two otherwise sturdy men all but crumbled by her bedside. John approached and gave her fingers a squeeze. "It's good to see you, Olivia," he whispered.

Fin circled her bed and, leaning down to kiss her forehead, whispered "Welcome back, baby girl."

Olivia smiled again and an awkward silence fell over the room. They all knew the reason for the visit and they were none too happy about it.

Elliot was the first to move. "I guess… I guess I'll let you guys get to it."

At that moment, Olivia reached for him. "No!" she cried out. The fear and panic returned to her eyes out of nowhere and she fell back against her pillows, the strain of her movements sending a shot of pain through her broken ribs.

Munch, frightened, took two steps back, allowing Elliot to close the distance between Olivia and himself quickly. He took her hand and brought it to his cheek. "Okay, Liv. It's okay." He could see her panicking and had to think quickly. "Olivia… Liv, look at me." As she did, Elliot saw her brown eyes shining brightly with unshed tears. He hated those tears and the fact that she even had reason to cry them. "Olivia, remember what Sarah told you. Focus on your breathing. Remember the wires in your jaw. And remember I'm right here. I'll be here for as long as you want me to be."

Olivia stared into the cool, calm blue of Elliot's eyes and imagined herself swimming in them. The water rippling around her, cradling her, smoothing over her olive skin, washing away the tears and the blood. Elliot's eyes became her happy place and she found herself at peace there. She could look into those eyes forever. As she took deep breaths through her nose, she felt a sense of relaxation spread throughout her body. Elliot was here; he was here, he wouldn't leave and he would make sure that no harm would ever come to her again.

"You're safe, Liv. I'm here. You're safe."

His soft whispers were reassuring and helped her come back to herself. She was safe, surrounded by three of the four men she loved most. She sewed herself back up, stitching in the pain and the hurt for another time. Right now, she had a job to do: put away the bad guy.

Elliot saw the shift and nodded once. "Okay, guys. She's ready." And with that, he sat in the chair by her bed, holding her hand. He would silently bear witness to her testimony, listen to every detail she had to give with a heavy heart and stoic face. He would not betray how much the words she was about to speak would hurt. None of them would.

Munch and Fin both drew up chairs to sit by her bed. "Okay, Liv," Fin's gravelly voice was soft and warm and wrapped around her like a blanket. "Start at the beginning."

Olivia nodded and took her time. "It was late by the time Elliot left my apartment," Olivia's words were hard, made to sound angry through the clenched teeth of her wired-shut jaw. They did not betray the defeat they'd heard from so many victims before, but a desire to do her job. "Maybe around 11. And in my anger, I must have forgotten to lock the door. I hadn't even made it to my kitchen and he… he was on me.

"He grabbed me from behind, pressed a gun into my back and wrapped a hand around my throat. He squeezed until I nearly passed out. But I scratched at anything I could find. His hands, his face, his neck. He spun me around and brought the butt of his gun down against my cheek. Then, he… he threw me down and started… kicking me. Punching me. I got up to run, but he grabbed me and threw me back down, punching me in the face over and over again. I got… disoriented and I couldn't see."

"Why couldn't you see, Liv?" Munch asked quietly.

"There was… there was too much blood in my eyes. Suddenly, it stopped. He walked away. I tried to get up and get away, but… he was back too soon… he kicked me in the face. I heard the click of handcuffs and he wrenched my arms behind… behind my back… and… and…"

"Breathe, Liv," Elliot whispered, looking into her eyes softly, begging his own tears not to fall. "Just breathe. Take your time."

Olivia closed her eyes and took a breath. In. Out. In. Out.

"He used my own bracelets to restrain me," she said. "I… I was able to land one good kick to his legs. He went down hard and… I tried to run again. But… he was too fast. He… tackled me and I felt my hand break." She winced at the painful memory. "He threw me down again and kicked my ribs. He… he was able to connect one kick with my head and… I passed out."

She took another breath. In. Out. In. Out.

"When I woke up, he was… on me. In me."

The three men winced, knowing how painful it was for her recall all of this. They were astounded that she was able to remember most of her attack, considering its severity and the fact that she'd been through surgeries and a medically-induced coma in the interim. But that was Olivia: always a cop, always taking notes, always noticing. Of course she would remember.

She continued on, defeat and sadness becoming more evident the more of her story she revealed. "He said 'I always knew you'd like it rough, you stupid bitch.' And then he… finished. In me." She sighed and allowed a few tears to slip down her cheeks. "Then, he stood up, zipped up and kicked me in the head once more. Good measure, I guess," she smiled wryly at the three men in front of her. "I don't remember anything after that."

"Liv…" Elliot breathed. "Liv… I…"

"Elliot," her voice stopped him. She couldn't handle hearing him apologize right now. So he stopped.

"Liv," Fin began. "The nurses here… they said you knew your attacker. Did you see him?"

Olivia nodded. "David McCullum. My ex."

"I'm going to show you a photo of the man we have in custody," Fin said. He held up the photo and watched Olivia's face screw up in pain. He watched her struggle against the sobs building in her throat. He watched her close her eyes and allow the memories of her attack to surround her. "Liv, do you know this man?"

"That's him. David. That my ex-boyfriend," she paused, then continued without opening her eyes.

"And my rapist."

* * *

><p>Elliot sat with Olivia long after Munch and Fin had departed, silently keeping vigil over her, offering silent prayers up to God. Prayers that she would be okay, that she would survive this and come out stronger on the other side. He watched her stare up at the ceiling for hours, unmoving, unblinking, lost in her own head.<p>

When she finally did turn to look at him, he smiled into her vacant eyes. "Liv," he said softly, leaning forward to touch her cheek. This time, to his horror, she did flinch and recoil. He withdrew his hand.

Then, a bit of warmth returned to her face as she realized what she'd done. She cast her eyes down in shame. "I… I'm sorry, El."

"Don't be," Elliot said, his voice soft but firm. "Liv, you did so well. You're doing so well."

She stared at him a moment longer before looking back up toward the ceiling, her eyes wide, betraying the pain he knew she felt. Elliot pushed the call button for the nurse. She needed medication and rest after a long and trying day.

"Olivia," Elliot said. "Are you hurting? You must be tired." When his words elicited no response, he tried again. "Liv, are you in pain? Tell me what hurts."

Her voice was small and broken as she uttered one word:

"Everything."

_**I'm sorry if that was too much. But I believe that gender-based violence is all-too-prevalent in the world. Stuff like this happens. Everyday. The more we talk about it, the more awareness is raised and the more control we have. I admire the women who are brave enough to face it, put a name to it and stand up for other themselves and other women in the process. And I thank you all.**_


	12. Chapter 11

**DISCLAIMER: The characters aren't mine. It really is sad. I wish they were.**

_**A/N - I've been thinking about and working on this chapter a really, really long time... and it still didn't turn out how I wanted it to. This one is getting harder and harder to write. I'm a romantic at heart and this dark content is a bit of a challenge. Also, I don't really know much about law or anything (just what I've seen on SVU!), so if I gravely messed anything up, please let me know! Thanks for reading!**_

* * *

><p>After they'd finished taking Olivia's statement, Fin and Munch had made their way back to the precinct, determined to nail the bastard who'd wounded their colleague and friend. As they entered the bull pen, they were immediately greeted by their Captain, who was eagerly looking for an update. Seeing his detectives' ghostly pale faces, Cragen gestured for them to follow him into his office. Once there, he perched on the corner of his desk and turned toward the two men, who looked completely deflated and crushed.<p>

Munch, after collapsing in one of Cragen's office chairs, balanced his elbows on his knees and buried his face in his palms. "Cap," his voice was muffled, but Cragen could hear how broken he was. "That was… the worst thing I've ever had to do."

Cragen nodded his understanding "How is she?" he asked, even though he was afraid of the answer.

"Wounded," Fin's voice was gruff as he tried to mask the emotion behind his words. "But baby girl's got spirit."

Cragen gave a small smile and nodded. "Well, while you were gone, the asshole lawyered up. You know they're going to argue that it was consensual."

"And the fact that she was beaten within an inch of her life?" Munch sprang out of his seat, angry and shouting.

"I know, John," Cragen said. "I know. With Liv's statement, we've got enough to arrest him. Cabot's here and she's ready to go when you are."

Channeling their anger, the two detectives marched out of their Captain's office to find their Assistant District Attorney and try to nail the bastard who hurt their friend.

* * *

><p>Elliot continued his vigil by his partner's bedside. After the nurse had pushed her pain medication, Olivia slipped blissfully into a deep sleep, keeping her eyes trained on Elliot's face until the morphine claimed her and she drifted away.<p>

_Everything. _

The hateful word uttered by Olivia's small, broken voice echoed in his mind. This bastard had to pay. He _would _pay for what he'd done to her.

He thought back to the statement she'd given Munch and Fin. One phrase stood out in his mind: she said she had forgotten to lock her door. But Elliot remembered staying outside until he heard the lock click into place. This led Elliot to wonder how McCullum had gotten into Olivia's apartment.

Kissing her fingertips once more, he stood to call his Captain. Cragen picked up on the first ring. "Cragen." His gruff voice betrayed his exhaustion.

"Cap, it's Elliot."

"Elliot, what's wrong?" Elliot heard the panic in his Captain's voice and spoke quickly to allay his fears.

"Olivia's okay," he said softly, not wanting to disturb her. "She was worn out after Munch and Fin left, and she was in a fair bit of pain. So the nurse gave her more morphine and she's sleeping now."

"Oh good," Cragen breathed a sigh of relief.

"Listen, Cap," Elliot started. "She said something in her statement and I wanted to talk to you about. She told Munch and Fin that she'd forgotten to lock her door. I know for a fact that she didn't. I didn't leave until I heard her lock it behind me. I made sure of it."

"So, how did McCullum get into her place?" Cragen asked.

"Good question," Elliot responded quickly. "Was there any sign of forced entry into her apartment?"

"None," Cragen said. "But the place was trashed. Blood stains on the floor, chairs overturned. She fought him hard."

"Who made the discovery?"

"Neighbor across the hall. She said she thought she'd heard noises coming from Olivia's apartment, but they stopped as soon as she went to go check. Next morning, she thought she'd stop over and see if Olivia was okay. Saw a bloody shoe print outside her door, which had been locked again. She used her set of keys, found Liv, called 911."

"If the door had been locked again, it had to be from the outside. He has to have keys." Elliot paused. "Neighbor I.D. McCullum?"

"Oh yeah. And McCullum's neighbor, the one Fin and Munch talked to, I.D.'d Liv as his girlfriend. Not to mention Liv's statement and identification. He's definitely our guy, Elliot. He beat her, raped her and left her there to die."

Elliot closed his eyes against the image and sighed. He couldn't deal with that thought right now. "Once Liv wakes up again, I'll ask if she gave him a set of keys."

"Fin and Munch arrested the bastard about an hour ago. They're over checking out his apartment now. And Alex is getting everything arranged. His arraignment should be sometime tomorrow, but I'll let you know."

"Okay. Thanks, Cap," Elliot said.

"Elliot," Cragen said. "Make sure she knows we're all here for her."

"I will," Elliot said. "Stop by, if you can. I think it would do you both some good."

"Yeah," Cragen cleared his throat. Elliot knew he was masking his emotions, trying to stay strong. "I-I will."

"Cap," Elliot spoke quickly before his Captain could end the call. "Really. I know she'd love to see you. And you can see for yourself that she's okay."

Cragen sighed. "You're right, Elliot. I'll be there in a little while."

And with that, he ended the call. Elliot understood how difficult this was for his Captain. Olivia was like a daughter to Cragen and that he wasn't dealing with her situation well. Her pain was his pain, Elliot knew. But he also knew that Olivia needed everyone around her right now and that was more important than anything else.

He looked down at his partner, his best friend, the woman he loved. He knew she would be pleased that her rapist was off the street. He also knew that she would have to testify at his trial. A bridge to be crossed when they came to it.

Priority one was Olivia. Her recovery. Getting her back to herself. He was going to do everything he could to make sure she felt safe and secure. To make sure she felt loved and unashamed. To make sure she understood her self-worth, that she was no less a woman, no less a cop, because of what had happened to her.

* * *

><p>Cragen approached the hospital room cautiously. He was terrified to see her, to talk to her, to break down in front of her. He needed to steel himself, to stay strong for her, his daughter. She would need the men around her to prop her up, to help her in any way they could, to surround her and love her.<p>

That said, the fear of seeing her beaten, bruised, broken overwhelmed him.

He knocked softly and slid the door to her room open. The lights were dimmed and Elliot was leaned over her bed, talking softly to her. And then, he heard her voice.

"Hey Cap." Her words were muffled from the wires in her jaw and the gravel in her throat from the tracheotomy tube was thick. But it was her. His Olivia. Elliot turned toward the door and grinned at his Captain.

"Liv," Cragen smiled softly and approached her bed, crossing around to the unoccupied side and taking in the sight of her.

"Sorry," she said. "Wasn't expecting visitors. Otherwise, I would have put on my other, fancy hospital gown." Her smile was unmistakable and reassuring. She was still Olivia.

He laughed in spite of himself and leaned down to kiss her forehead. "It's good to see you, Detective."

"Thank you for coming," she reached her good hand across her to clasp his fingers in her own.

They sat in silence for a moment before Olivia spoke again. "So, what have you learned?"

"Liv… are you sure you…"

"Yes, Cap," Olivia nodded softly. "Please tell me."

Cragen sighed and looked to Elliot, who simply stared back. "David McCullum has been arrested on rape and attempted murder of a police officer."

"He's in lock up, then?" she asked softly.

"Yes, Liv, he is. He can't hurt anyone anymore." Cragen gave her fingers, which had not let go of his, a reassuring squeeze. "Munch and Fin went to his apartment and what they found was… well, Liv… it…"

"What is it, Cap?" Olivia's deep brown eyes were probing, quizzical. A detective's eyes, always.

"What they found was… alarming, to say the least. Liv… he had pictures of you taped to the walls. He had… he had your underwear tacked up. There was a pair on his bed that he'd used to…"

"Oh god," Olivia said. "How did he… how…"

"Liv," Elliot spoke softly, gently. "Did you ever give him a set of your keys?"

"No," Olivia said immediately. "No, never. He was pretty pissed about it, actually. Said I was afraid of commitment." She paused and looked at the two men, who exchanged worried glances. "Why?" she asked.

"I know you locked your door, Olivia," Elliot said, softly. "There was no forced entry to your apartment. And your neighbor said your door was locked when she went to check on you the morning after your…"

Olivia closed her eyes and nodded her understanding. "So, you think he somehow got a set of my keys?"

"Yes, we do," Cragen said. "Do you ever remember him having your keys for any reason?"

"Yes, many times. He would leave my apartment in the morning sometimes to go get breakfast from a deli down the street. He'd take my keys with him. There's a hardware store on my block and it wouldn't take long to cut a set."

The three were silent for a few moments before Olivia spoke again. "He's been stalking me."

"For a while, it would seem," Cragen affirmed.

"But… why? We were dating…"

"Maybe he was insecure?" Elliot offered. "Clearly he was obsessed with you, with marking you, making sure you were his. He probably needed to keep constant tabs on you."

"Wait," Olivia said. "You said you ran him through ViCAP. What'd he pop with?"

Cragen sighed and glanced at Elliot before looking back at Olivia. "Stalking and aggravated assault."

"Jesus," Olivia breathed. "How could I not have seen it? How could I have missed it?"

"Liv, no," Elliot reached forward and touched her cheek. "You can't…"

"I'm a cop, a sex crimes detective and I… I…"

Elliot sensed her getting worked up again. "Liv, you need to calm down. Focus on your breathing."

She took deep breaths. "Fuck," she said. "I can't wait until these God damn wires come out."

Cragen and Elliot laughed softly. "Another couple of weeks, Liv," Elliot said softly. Olivia rolled her eyes and smiled at him. He returned it and cupped her chin in his hand. "Until then, it's all smoothies and milkshakes for you."

"That I like," Olivia smiled.

Cragen watched his two best detectives interact and smiled. He'd known for a long time that they were certainly more than just partners. He'd monitored them closely for many years and wondered how long it would take for them to get their heads out of their asses. Apparently, not as long as he'd thought. Here they were, very clearly in love with one another. And he hoped, with everything he had in him, that this would work. That Elliot could help heal Olivia's wounds. That Olivia would let him. And that they would get their happily ever after.

* * *

><p>"Docket ending 6431, People versus David McCullum. One count rape in the first degree, one count attempted murder of a police officer in the first degree, one count aggravated assault in the first degree, one count kidnapping in the first degree, one count stalking in the first degree."<p>

"Ms. Cabot?" Judge Petrovsky looked to the ADA standing in front of her.

"Your honor, the People request remand. The defendant broke into the home of decorated SVU detective Olivia Benson, beat her within an inch of her life, raped her and left her for dead. He has a criminal history. He is a danger to her and to the people of New York," Alex fought hard to keep her composure. Anger coursed through her veins at the thought of her friend lying in a hospital bed, fighting for her life.

"Your honor," Trevor Langan began. "My client was Detective Benson's boyfriend. They engaged in intercourse. And now, she's crying rape."

"And the beating? The broken wrist and the brain bleed, Langan?" Alex couldn't help but raise her voice to the defense attorney. This was her friend he was talking about. Alex would not take this lying down. Olivia needed, deserved, justice. And Alex would see that she got it.

"Enough, you two," Judge Petrovsky called to them. "Mr. Langan, I don't want to hear any of it. Detective Benson is a good cop and a friend to this court. And your client has a history of stalking and assaulting women. Given the nature of the crimes against one of New York's finest, I am remanding the defendant to jail until trial."

The Judge banged her gavel and Alex felt a small surge in her heart. Olivia could sleep easy tonight. She watched McCullum being led out of the courtroom and once satisfied he was safely detained, packed her items and dashed out of the courtroom.

She had a visit to make.

_**Thoughts? Review please and thank you! :)**_


	13. Chapter 12

**DISCLAIMER: They're not mine. Well, almost all of them. I'm responsible for Sarah. So that's cool.**

_**A/N: I may or may not have my groove back. I don't know... you tell me! :)**_

* * *

><p>Alex Cabot knocked softly on the partially open hospital door and peaked inside the dimmed room. What she saw nearly took her breath away: her friend, her strong, selfless, vivacious friend, bandaged from head to toe, bruised, stitched, torn apart. Silently, she brought her hand to her mouth and fought the hot sting of tears in the corner of her bright eyes.<p>

She couldn't believe this. This. _This _was unspeakable.

As Alex lost herself in her own thoughts, she neglected to notice the two deep brown eyes opening and settling on her form.

Olivia smiled to herself, grateful to see her friend and at the same time, wishing everyone would stop looking at her _that way_.

"You gonna stand in the door way all day, Counselor, or are you going to come in and see me?"

Olivia's soft voice startled Alex so badly that she visibly jumped. "Olivia!"

The detective chuckled to herself. "Sorry, Alex. Didn't mean to scare you."

Alex, hand over her quickly-beating heart, made her way into the room. "It's okay. I'm sorry I was hovering."

"S'okay," Olivia said. "Sit down, join me."

Alex smiled and made her way over to the empty chair by Olivia's bedside. "How long has this one been unoccupied?"

Olivia returned her friend's soft smile and said, "About an hour. I sent him home to get a shower and some rest."

"And he went?" Alex asked incredulously. She couldn't believe Elliot willingly left Olivia's said; she didn't think gale force winds could remove him.

"Not without a fight," Olivia said. "But yes. He went."

"Wow." Alex could not contain her genuine surprise. Elliot had not left Olivia's side since he'd gotten the news, this she knew. But she supposed, now that Olivia was awake and beginning to recover, he could take a break and recover himself. She knew it wasn't easy for him, seeing her like this. It wasn't easy for any of them.

"So," Alex said softly, taking her friend's hand in her own. "What's the prognosis?"

Olivia took a deep breath. "Turns out, I'm going to be fine." Alex smiled and waited for her to continue. "All external wounds will heal with time. Emotional wounds…" Olivia paused and Alex's smile faded. "Those will take longer. But I'm going to try."

The ADA squeezed the detective's hand and tried to come up with something to say. When she found herself at a complete loss, she managed, "I'm sorry this happened to you, Liv." She couldn't prevent the single tear that made its way down her cheek.

"Hey," Olivia said. "It's okay, Alex. I'm going to be okay, I promise." Olivia paused and took a deep breath. "I will need your help once these damn stitches in my head come out. I have no idea how to pull off the shaved head look."

Alex laughed at Olivia's dark humor and wiped the tears, which were falling with more consistency now, from her cheeks. "Anything you need," Alex said, squeezing her hand again and smiling softly. After a small pause, she continued. "I mean it, Liv. Anything at all."

Olivia smiled. "I know. Thank you."

Alex nodded. She was determined to be here for the detective who'd done so much for her in the years they'd known each other. What started out as a professional relationship had quickly blossomed into a beautiful friendship, forged from similar passions and similar challenges. Both women had an incredible drive to rid the New York City streets of the scum of the earth. Similarly, both women knew what it was like to work and become successful in male-dominated work environments. It took a certain tenacity, a certain strength… hell, it took balls. Alex looked up to Olivia. And she was glad that she would still have the opportunity to tell her so. Olivia was the best of the best and Alex felt honored to work with her each day. And call her a friend.

"I just came from arraignment," Alex said softly, unsure if Olivia even wanted to talk about the case.

"Oh?" she said, taking another deep breath.

"Yes," Alex affirmed. "Are you okay, Liv?"

Olivia nodded. "Yes, sorry. I'm supposed to focus on my breathing. The wires," she gestured to her jaw with her plaster-covered hand and Alex nodded her understanding. "You were saying?"

"Yes, arraignment," Alex continued. "David McCullum is remanded to jail until trial."

Olivia closed her eyes and took a deep breath. Alex allowed her friend the time she needed to digest the information and soon, she saw a small smile creep across her lips. "I knew you could do it, Alex," Olivia whispered. Her brown eyes opened, bright with unshed tears, and found Alex's face in the dim light of the hospital room.

"Thank you." Her voice was barely audible, but Alex heard it. The gratitude in Olivia's voice was palpable. Alex knew that she was already feeling more at ease, safer knowing that her attacker would be off the streets until he was tried and put away for many years. At least, if Alex and her colleagues had anything to say about it.

"You're welcome, Olivia," Alex smiled. "Get some rest, okay? I'll stay with you for a bit, if that's okay."

Olivia nodded and closed her eyes again, slipping into a peaceful sleep all on her own.

* * *

><p>Elliot walked briskly down the hallway of the hospital toward Olivia's hospital room. He'd stayed away longer than he would have liked, his body desperately in need of sleep. Even the sound of his alarm had neglected to rouse him.<p>

After Olivia had all but forced him from her hospital room, insisting that he go shower and rest for a while, he reluctantly had given in. He'd gone to his apartment, washed the hospital stink off him and made his way to his refrigerator, terrified of the contents considering he hadn't been home in days.

He'd opened the door and saw a large Tupperware container that had mysteriously appear on the top shelf. He lifted it and saw a note taped to the lid:

_Daddy,_

_I'm sorry about Olivia. I dropped this off Wednesday afternoon for you, so hopefully it's still good when you get it. Please tell Liv we love her. And make sure to take care of yourself, too._

_Love,  
><em>_Maureen_

He opened the container and the smell of fried chicken filled his nose. His eldest daughter. His savior. He would have to make sure to call her later and thank her for her thoughtfulness. In the meantime, he picked up two pieces of the greasy, fatty chicken and devoured them cold. After he was finished, he made his way to his bedroom, collapsed on the bed and fell into a sleep deeper than he would have ever imagined.

He awoke several hours later and looked at the clock. It was already gone four in the afternoon and he fumbled for his cell phone on the nightstand, wondering what the hell had happened to his alarm. Upon checking, he discovered it had been silenced. He recalled a vague memory of sleepily shutting it off and rolling back over in his bed. He kicked himself and shot up out of bed, changing out of his lounge clothes and quickly heading back to the hospital.

Now, he approached her room and peaked inside, not wanting to disturb her if she was resting. What he discovered pleasantly surprised him: she was awake, the curtains in her room had been opened and she was watching evening fall over Manhattan. She looked pensive, thoughtful, and he wondered what was running through her mind. Any number of things, he imagined. The woman had been through so much over the last week and he marveled at her strength and solidarity. He was relieved that she was still Olivia, but still understood that there would be setbacks.

It didn't matter though. He was with her for as long as she would have him.

Soon, as if sensing his presence, she turned her head toward the door and smiled a half-hearted smile at him. "Hey," she whispered.

"Hey," he replied softly. "Okay to come in?"

"Of course," she said, turning back toward the windows. "I was just looking at the city."

Elliot nodded and took a seat in the chair by her bedside, content to just be there, to sit in silence with her. While Olivia watched the city move outside her windows, Elliot simply watched her. He watched the way her eyelashes brushed her cheeks when her eyes softly closed. He watched the way her lips pursed, signaling that she was just as deep in thought as he originally anticipated. He watched the rise and fall of her chest, indicative of the life coursing through her. He wanted to lay his head down and listen to the air roar through her lungs, as if he needed more proof that she was actually here beside him, breathing, living.

He was still so afraid that this was all a dream, that he would wake up and discover that she'd actually lost the battle against McCullum, that her last moments on this earth were spent in pain and in fear, that she'd died calling for him only to be left alone as the last bits of her life seeped out of her.

The pain he'd felt at that thought was so resolute, so real, so tangible that he reached out to grip her hand. He just needed to touch her, feel her warmth, know her again. As he laced their fingers together, she turned to look at him."You okay?" she asked him softly.

He smiled. "Yeah. Just thinking," he said. She nodded her understanding. "Do you need anything?"

"No, thank you," she said, giving his palm a light squeeze. They lapsed into silence for several minutes before Olivia spoke again. "The medical team was in here just before you arrived."

"Yeah? What's the update?" he asked.

"I'm making a remarkable recovery," Olivia smiled. Elliot grinned and lifted her fingers to his mouth, kissing them softly. " They changed all my bandages. I couldn't bring myself to look at my hair." Olivia brought her plaster-encased hand up to fidget with the band of gauze wrapped around her head. Then, replacing her hand on the bed next to her, she continued. "Dr. Carter also… he also told me something…something I…"

Elliot sensed her pain and her hesitancy. He felt the cold surge of fear thread his veins like ice water. "Liv? What is it?"

"He told me that… David… there was too much internal damage," Olivia whispered, looking down at their joined hands. "I can't have children." Tears spilled onto their fingers as Olivia's small, broken voice uttered those four words that shattered Elliot's heart.

"Oh, Liv," he said. He'd known this fact; Dana had told him when he'd first arrived in the ER like a hurricane. It still didn't make her discovery of it any less devastating to him. He sat next to her as she cried, holding her hand firmly inside a cocoon made of his own two hands.

"I mean," Olivia spoke through her tears. "It's not like I ever expected it to happen anyway. I mean, I'm over forty, unmarried, clearly unable to hold down a relationship. So, y'know, odds." She paused and took a deep breath, trying to control her oxygen intake as she cried. But knowing I _can't_… it's unbearable, Elliot."

Elliot felt helpless and small. He wished more than anything that he could take away her pain. On top of everything, the rape, the beating, everything, McCullum had shattered her womb. He'd taken away any chance of Olivia having a baby, which as far as he was concerned, was a crime in itself. Olivia had so much love to give and it was only right that she be allowed to love a child of her own.

Plain and simple, it just wasn't fair.

Elliot, unsure of what else to do, stood and made to climb into her hospital bed next to her. Gently placing an arm over her shoulders, he brought her to rest against his strong chest, holding her as she cried for the loss of her would-be children. She willingly leaned into him, clutching his tee shirt for dear life and intertwining her legs with his. God, he'd missed this, the feel of her next to him. She fit so perfectly there, it was like his body was made to accommodate hers. And vice versa. Their shapes and contours were so perfectly matched that it became difficult to tell where he ended and she began. He didn't care. It didn't matter. They were one.

He silently held Olivia as she cried, comforting her the only way he knew how. And soon, he felt her breathing slow and even out. He looked down at her face and discovered she was sleeping. He pulled her just a little tighter, taking care not to hurt her broken body, and leaned his head back.

And with that, he fell asleep, wrapped in her legs and her breath and her scent and her warmth. And he could think of no place he would rather be.

* * *

><p>Sarah made her way down the quiet corridor, silently moving from room to room on her rounds. She'd never minded the night shift, the dim lights, the calm surroundings. Well, mostly.<p>

Sarah knew, upon returning from her day off, that Detective Benson was still on her floor but that she'd been recovering well. She, along with Olivia's attending physician, had thought that she might be able to be moved out of ICU in the next day or two, should she continue to do well. It warmed Sarah's heart to think of it.

She knew Detective Benson had a long road ahead of her, but with the constant stream of visitors in and out of her room, she also knew that her support system was wide and strong. They were the current that would carry Olivia down the river toward her recovery. Her chances of getting her life back fully were significant and Sarah had confidence that she would take every opportunity to get well. After all, she had too much to live for.

Upon entering Olivia's room, she stopped in her tracks and quickly, quietly retreated back the way she'd come. Swinging around and placing her back to the wall just outside the door, she brought a hand to her mouth and smiled. Silently, she turned and peaked into the room one more time to confirm.

Yes, there they were, wrapped around each other, sleeping deeply and soundly in the knowledge that the other person would be right there when the time came to wake up. There was no doubt about that.

Sarah had never seen a relationship quite like this one. A relationship built on mutual admiration, respect and trust. A relationship in which the two parties literally put their lives in each others' hands every day. Despite the fact that Olivia was the one who'd been injured, Sarah knew that she was just as much a rock for Elliot as he was for her.

They would get each other through this ordeal. And they'd come out stronger on the other side of it. Sarah was certain of it.

She was also certain that she could delay changing Detective Benson's I.V. drip for another five minutes. No sense in waking them just yet.

She grinned and continued down the corridor to her next patient.

_**So? Review? Please?**_


	14. Chapter 13

**DISCLAIMER: Character's aren't mine. Except Sarah.**

_**A/N: Thanks for sticking with me on this one guys! And thank you so much for the reviews. They literally are keeping me working on this! :)**_

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><p>Olivia was alone. Her too quiet hospital room nearly hummed in her over-worked brain, which, of course, was racing with every thought imaginable. She'd been here seven days. Seven long days and she didn't feel any more put together than when she'd arrived, a broken, mangled mess of blood and tears. Each time she felt like she'd put a piece of herself back into place, another piece would fall away. She wasn't sure she'd ever feel whole again. But she had hope.<p>

And she had Elliot.

They hadn't really discussed the state of their relationship since her attack. She remembered apologizing for the awful things she'd said to him. And he apologized as well. For what, she didn't know. Not that any of it mattered anyway. She knew she was in love with him. But now, after this, it didn't seem fair to burden him with that. He'd been so wonderful in the wake of Olivia's own personal hell; so attentive, respectful to her needs, encouraging and selfless. She was overwhelmed with his love and his kindness, and she feared she may be at risk of taking advantage of it. He had children, a job, a life to get back to.

So she'd sent him on his way. Back to his life, promising that she would be fine on her own. After all, she always was. At first, he'd flat out refused to leave her. He'd gotten rather upset with her for even suggesting it.

"Look what happened the last time I left you, Liv," he had said. "I'll never forgive myself."

Her eyes had brimmed with hot, fresh tears as she realized the weight he'd been carrying around with him. He'd blamed himself. Of course he had. She'd calmly and thoroughly explained to him that none of this was his fault; that he was no more to blame than she was. After a long discussion and many tears, she had somehow convinced him to lay down his burden. That if they both could release themselves of the heavy weight of guilt, they might have a chance at moving forward with their lives.

And then he'd held her. Of course.

Olivia smiled softly at the memory, feeling his arms strong and secure around her, his cheek pressed to her forehead. He was so good at enveloping her in his warmth, once she was wrapped in it, she didn't ever want to leave it.

In the end, though, they had made a compromise with one another. He would go back to work for half a day and not sacrifice his time with his children. This day was his first day back and Olivia was wondering if she'd made the right decision in making him go. She missed him terribly. The feeling of unease that washed over her when he wasn't by her side was disarming, and she was surprised to find it frightened her. Not being apart, per se, but feeling uneasy about it. She had always been independent, self-sufficient. She relished the solitude of her apartment. She'd never had trouble being alone. She'd been alone most of her life. So the anxiety she felt at being alone now was new and troubling. She supposed it would fade with time, but everything she was feeling these days seemed to be magnified by a thousand.

She worked hard to not push herself, to allow herself to feel what she needed to feel, to give herself the time to come to terms with what she was going through and the fact that she would never be the same. She tried not to beat herself up for grieving the loss of some part of her she'd never known she could lose. If she didn't accept the state of her life now, she'd never come to terms with it and she'd never move past it.

Easier said than done.

At least that's what she'd told the shrink who'd visited her that afternoon.

She'd known it was only a matter of time before they'd sent someone in to do a psych evaluation. She should have figured out that it would most likely coincide with when her nurses had gotten her up and out of bed to walk around her ward. If she was able to walk around some, she was able to talk about her feelings.

She was never like Elliot, she'd never had an aversion to psychiatrists, with talking about her feelings. At least to people she knew couldn't break her confidence, people she knew couldn't hurt her.

So when the lovely, warm young woman "from upstairs" had knocked on her door, Olivia smiled and said, "I've been expecting you."

"Hello, Olivia," the woman had said. "My name is Dr. Bannon. But please, call me Laurel."

Olivia had shaken her hand and they'd talked for over an hour. Laurel, a tall, fair redhead obviously of Irish descent, specialized in servicewomen who were victims of assault. And surprisingly enough, Olivia did feel better after her visit. She'd even asked if Laurel was only her hospital psychiatrist or would she be able to continue seeing her after she was discharged. Laurel smiled and promised to work something out.

After her fairly busy day, comparatively speaking, Olivia was worn out. Her limbs felt heavy, tired, but her mind was too keyed up to do anything about it. She kept running over the day in her mind, her conversation with Elliot, her walk, her discussion with Laurel, and found herself becoming more and more pleased with the changes the day had brought her. Maybe she could get back on track. She began to feel lighter.

Until she reached up, out of habit, to brush her hair behind her ear. Only to re-discover it was no longer there. Then, everything came crashing back down, the pieces fell away again and the silence, the loneliness, the pain overwhelmed her.

Fighting against the tears in her eyes, she threw off the hospital blankets and pushed herself out of bed. Standing hurt her broken ribs and made her slightly dizzy, but she pressed forth, unlocking the wheels on her rolling I.V. and making her way to the bathroom. Upon entering the tiny room, she flicked on the light and came to stand in front of the mirror above the sink.

For the first time since the attack, she looked upon herself and gasped. Her features were barely recognizable. The bruises on her cheeks had begun to fade, the cuts on her mouth had started to heal; but the utter exhaustion and pain etched across her face were frightening. She didn't look like the same person. She sure as hell didn't feel like the same person.

Reaching up, she took hold of the gauze bandage wrapped around her head and slowly, carefully tugged it off. She needed to see. As she raised her eyes to look at her wound, she immediately regretted her decision.

The doctors had shaved the right side of her head to make way for the long incision to drain her hematoma. And now, the wound was closed with many ugly staples, making her appear to be from some kind of horror movie. The wound was nearly healed, but still looked hideous. She reached up and ran her fingers through the hair remaining on the left side of her head. It was oily, stringy, desperately in need of a wash. Running her fingers down her chin and across her other cheek, she touched the buzzed hair on her right side. She touched any wound she could find and now understood why she felt like she was coming apart.

Because she was. She had been. The doctors had literally needed to stitch her back together after her attack. She knew she was lucky. She was alive. But she felt the self-pity wash over her like a tidal wave. How could anyone look at her? How could Elliot even stand to be in the same room with her?

Almost as soon as those thoughts entered her mind, she felt shame wash over her. How could she possibly allow herself to think those things? As Elliot had told her that evening that seemed like forever ago, she was Olivia fucking Benson. Strong. Willful. Passionate. Smart. Beautiful.

Beautiful.

She slammed her palm down on the porcelain sink and growled. She looked up into the mirror once more and spoke to herself, "C'mon, Olivia. You're in there somewhere. You just need to find yourself."

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><p>Elliot found himself practically running toward her hospital room. He'd been away from her all day and had barely made it. The anxiety to get back to her, to be at her side, was truly overpowering. When the Captain had finally had enough of his fidgeting and looking at the clock, he dismissed him and he'd bolted from the squad room.<p>

The closer he got to her, the more at ease he felt. By her side was the most natural place in the world for him to be. If ever he lost himself, he just had to look for her. And he would always be found.

As he entered her room, he felt surprise at seeing her bed empty. This feeling was quickly replaced with utter panic.

"Liv?" he called quietly. "Olivia?"

Hearing a tiny cry, he turned and saw the bathroom light on. Approaching cautiously, he peaked in and found her there, crumpled on the floor and crying softly. "Liv!" he exclaimed softly, falling onto the tiles beside her.

The bandage from her head was cast to the floor and for the first time, Elliot saw the extent of her wound. It made him feel queasy. Pushing his thoughts aside, Elliot made to gather her in his arms and was surprised and devastated to have her push him away. "Don't touch me, please," she cried softly, taking deep breaths of air through her nose.

"Okay, Liv," he said, sitting beside her and pressing his back to the cabinet under the sink. "Whatever you want, okay?"

She didn't respond, but continued to weep silently, staring at the floor. Elliot just sat, hoping that just his presence would be enough to soothe her at this time. She didn't seem to want more and he all he ever desired was the give her what she wanted. The pain he felt for her was incredible, terrible. He found himself at an utter loss as to how to comfort her.

After many long minutes of being able to do nothing but watch her cry, Elliot tried to comfort her again. This time, he used his voice. "Liv?"

She didn't seem to hear him, but he continued anything. "Liv, what happened? Can you tell me why you're on the floor here?"

The tears continued to flow down her cheeks in small, silent streams and she made no effort to wipe them away. Elliot didn't push any further and just when he thought she wouldn't answer him, she whispered, "I can't find myself."

Elliot nodded, taking in her words and rolling them around in his mind. "What do you mean?" he asked her. He didn't want to push her, but thought maybe, in this case, she needed it.

"I looked in the mirror. And I'm not there. I'm not anywhere. All I see it… pain. Scars."

"Olivia," Elliot breathed. He found himself unsure as to how to proceed, how to process the information she was giving him and give her something in return. Her words cut him to the bone and he hated that she felt this way.

"Where did I go, Elliot?"

"You're right here," he said, taking her good hand in his own. "I can see you, Liv." He took her chin in his hand and brought her eyes up to his face. "I can see you. I always see you."

Olivia closed her eyes to the next wave of tears and brought his hand up to cup her bruised cheek.

"You know," he continued, reveling in the feeling of her skin against his fingers. "Sometimes I lose myself, too." He had her attention now and he ran with it. "Sometimes I lose myself in the terrible things we see each day. And I wonder how I'll ever find myself again."

He paused for a moment to smile into her earthy brown eyes. That's what she was: his earth. "Do you know how I find myself, Liv?"

She looked at him wordlessly, waiting for him to continue.

"I look for you. And I find myself. I look for you. And I'm home again."

"Elliot…" she whispered, leaning forward to clasp her hands around his neck and pull him into an embrace. He held her for many moments, knowing her broken ribs had to be aching, knowing she needed him to keep her steady.

Too soon, she pulled back, hissing against the pain she felt and leaning back against the door to the bathroom. "Elliot, can you… can you help me?"

Elliot smiled. "Of course I can."

Just then, Sarah appeared in the doorway. "Olivia!" she exclaimed. "You gave me quite a scare! I didn't expect you to be up!"

"I'm sorry, Sarah," Olivia said. "Elliot was just about to help me get back into bed."

Sarah paused and moment and surveyed the scene. Then, smiling, she made her way into the bathroom. "Let me help, too. And once you get settled, we'll go ahead and get your head bandaged up again."

Knowing she was too weak to stand on her own, Elliot scooped her into his strong arms and, gently cradling her, carried her back to her bed. Sarah trailed behind with the I.V. stand and clicked it back into place as Elliot settled Olivia back into bed.

"Better?" he smiled into her eyes.

Olivia smiled in return and nodded.

As Elliot stepped back to let Sarah do her work, Olivia's eyes remained trained on Elliot's, breaking the connection only when Sarah spoke.

"He's a good one, huh?" Sarah's kind eyes smiled into Olivia's as she whispered.

Olivia's eyes flashed back to Elliot's and she grinned, really grinned, for the first time in many days. "Yeah," she said. "Yeah, he is."

**_Review please? :)_**


	15. Chapter 14

**DISCLAIMER: None of the SVU characters are mine (I'm not mad about it... really...), but Sarah and Laurel are.**

_**A/N: Wow, it's been a long time! This story has always been a tough one for me, but I'm pretty pleased with this chapter. Difficult to start, but once I got going, the end of it came pretty naturally. And I'm pretty happy with it. I feel like there is a LOT more story to tell, so this may develop into a series. We'll see... :) Please R/R. It helps more than you know!**_

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><p>Elliot walked with purpose down the hospital corridor, a slight jaunt in his step. For the first time in many weeks, many months, he felt optimistic, hopeful. For the first time in a long time, he felt a small surge of happiness.<p>

Today, Olivia was being released from the hospital.

After her ten day stay in ICU, plus another week in a rehabilitation unit, her doctors finally felt she was ready to leave the hospital. Her physical recovery had been excellent, her wounds were healing beautifully. The staples in her head had come out just prior to her leaving intensive care and her jaw wires had been removed just a few short days ago. Elliot had noticed that her energy level was increasing and she was spending more and more time each day awake and alert. Her doctors were pleased and so, he was pleased. He couldn't have been prouder of her, the woman he loved.

As he rounded the corner and entered her room, he saw her standing by her window, dressed in the yoga pants and loose-fitting t-shirt he'd brought her the day before. She had also politely asked him to bring her one of her silky scarves to cover the scars on her skull. He had protested, stating that she didn't need it, but she'd insisted. And he, wanting to make her feel comfortable, had finally obliged. She now had it wrapped around her head, her remaining hair tucked up into it.

She hadn't heard him come in, so he took a moment to simply observe her. He smiled softly at her beauty. She was bathed in the early morning sunlight that streamed in through the window, her eyes closed to its warmth. She looked incredibly peaceful and he knew it was a state of mind she had worked hard to achieve. Olivia had been on an emotional roller coaster these last few weeks, rocketing between anger and fear and sadness, sometimes within moments of each other. He couldn't imagine what she was going through, but he wanted to do everything he could to help her come out stronger on the other side.

"Knock, knock."

Despite his soft voice, Olivia startled and opened her wide eyes to him as he took a few tentative steps toward her. Upon recognizing his face, she pressed a hand to her heart and took a deep breath. "Elliot. You scared me."

"I'm sorry," he said, slowly closing the distance between them and coming to stand next to her at the window.

"Don't be," she replied quietly. "It's not you. I'm just…" He could tell she was struggling to find the words. "I don't know what I am." Her admission frightened him, made him unsure, made him want to cry. His vivacious, self-assured partner had lost her way and he was desperately trying to help her find it again.

He smiled anyway and placed a reassuring hand on her shoulder, giving her a soft squeeze. "Remember what I told you?"

She closed her eyes and took a deep breath. "I look for you," she whispered. "And I'm home." Her brown eyes opened and found his face, and in that moment, he saw her peace return. She smiled. "Thank you."

He smiled again and ran his hand down her arm to intertwine their fingers. He so longed to kiss her, to press his lips to hers in a soft embrace, to feel her as he once had, wrapped around him, warm and sweet. His eyes must have traveled down to her lips as he lost himself in thought, for soon she pulled away and cast her gaze to the ground. "Elliot…" she whispered, her voice thick with emotion. He knew she wanted to continue and paused to let her.

When she didn't, he pressed her. "Olivia?"

She looked back up into her curious face and he could see her lose her nerve. "Nothing," she said, turning to finish putting her personal items in the small bag he'd brought her. She asked the hospital to throw away the clothes she'd been wearing the night of the attack, but they had returned her wallet and her badge, which she now threw into the bag along with some of the other items Elliot had brought her from her apartment.

Elliot stepped toward her to continue the conversation, but at that moment, a very helpful nurse decided to choose that particular moment to enter with Olivia's discharge forms and prescriptions. She listened carefully to the nurses instructions, signed the forms and thanked her for her care. As the nurse was leaving and Olivia was slinging her bag over her shoulder, Sarah entered.

"Olivia," she said warmly, crossing the room and wrapping her arms around his partner's fragile frame. Elliot smiled softly at the embrace and watched Olivia bring her hands up to cup Sarah's shoulders, clutching her in a silent expression of gratitude.

As they parted, both women smiled upon each other with tears in their eyes. "Well," Sarah said, clearing the emotion from her throat. "I'm just finishing my shift, but I wanted to come and say goodbye. You're all set? You don't have any questions?"

"No, not right now. The other nurse was pretty clear in her instructions," Olivia said. "So, I'm okay."

Sarah reached forward and grasped Olivia's hand. "Yes, you are." With her other hand, Sarah pulled a piece of paper from her pocket. She pressed it to Olivia's palm. "This is my contact information. You call me, day or night, if you need anything, okay? Even if it's just to grab a drink somewhere. I love a good dirty martini." She winked at Olivia and they both shared a laugh.

"I will, Sarah, thanks." Olivia placed the piece of paper in her bag along with the rest of her items.

The hospital room door opened again and Elliot saw a tall red-headed woman peak her head into the room. "Well," she smiled as she entered the rest of the way. "You're a popular woman, Olivia."

"For the first time in my life," Olivia laughed and self-consciously touched her hand to the scarf that was wrapped around her head.

The woman smiled and held something out to Olivia. It was a small book. "Here," she said softly. "I want you to write in this as often as you feel like it. It doesn't have to be every day, but the more often you write, the easier this process is going to be."

It finally dawned on Elliot: the red-headed woman was Olivia's therapist. He wasn't sure why this surprised him. Of course Olivia would have to talk to someone after her attack.

Olivia nodded at her and said, "Thank you, Laurel."

The red-headed woman, Laurel, Elliot now knew, nodded and smiled softly. "I'll see you in a couple of days."

"Okay," Olivia said quietly. Elliot sensed she was quickly becoming overwhelmed at her visitors and the information she was being given and about leaving the hospital. He didn't want to intervene, but felt concerned for her well-being, and so he stepped forward.

"Ready, Liv?" He held his hand out to her and looked into her pale, tired, beautiful face.

She looked relieved and placed her hand in his. "I am." She gave his hand a soft squeeze and looking back to the two women in the room, whispered, "Thank you. Both of you."

Sarah and Laurel smiled once more as Elliot and Olivia made their way from the hospital room. As they approached the elevator, Elliot could see Olivia's eyes were wide and her breathing heavy.

"Hey," he said, stepping closer to her. "Hey." She looked up into his face and waited for him to continue. "One step at a time, okay? I'm right here beside you."

Olivia took a deep breath and nodded. The elevator dinged and as the doors opened, Elliot and Olivia stepped inside, hand in hand.

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><p>Elliot opened the door to his apartment and stepped in, turning back to reach for Olivia. "Come on in," he smiled warmly at her. She entered wordlessly and looked around. It was the first time she'd ever been to his new place. When he'd first moved in, after Kathy left, after this with Olivia deteriorated, it seemed so big and empty. Then, one day, Maureen and Kathleen showed up on his doorstep and kidnapped him to places like Target and Ikea. They'd helped him make it feel more like a home and he was forever grateful to his two oldest girls.<p>

"What do you think?" he asked Olivia, who was walking around and taking everything in.

She looked at him and said, "It's nice, El."

Elliot looked around and smiled. "Yeah. The girls helped me decorate it. I don't know much about any of that stuff, but they seemed to enjoy it." He chuckled at the memory.

"Mo and Katie?" Olivia inquired and Elliot nodded in response. "They would enjoy that, yes." Olivia grinned.

"Come on, I'll give you the tour." He led her through the apartment, ending up in the guest bedroom. "I asked Fin bring over some clothes and things for you," he said. "I hope that's okay."

Olivia set her bag on the bed and whispered, "Yeah, that's okay. Thank you, Elliot."

"You're welcome, Liv," Elliot said.

They lapsed into an awkward silence, Olivia staring down at her bag on the bed, Elliot staring down at his feet. "Are you hungry at all?" Elliot asked. "I could make us a quick breakfast while you get settled in here?"

Olivia smiled. "Sure. That would be nice."

Elliot smiled at her and began to make his way out of the room. Before he could think too much about it, he turned back and grasped Olivia in a warm embrace, pressing his face into her neck and breathing in her scent.

He felt her tense momentarily before bring her hands up to clasp his back, resting her hands there and taking a deep breath.

"Welcome home, Liv," Elliot whispered.

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><p>After breakfast, Olivia took a round of medicine and excused herself to rest. Elliot took it upon himself to tidy up his already tidy apartment and put in a round of laundry. As he was folding the first load out of the dryer, his cell phone rang. Fin's number. "Stabler," he answered.<p>

"She home?" Fin got right down to business.

"She is," Elliot replied. "She just went to lie down."

"She okay?" Fin asked. "Up for visitors?"

"She's doing okay, Fin, but let's hold off on visitors for a day or so. She was feeling pretty overwhelmed as we were leaving the hospital."

"Sure," Fin said, understanding that letting Olivia adjust to being out of the hospital was what was best for her right now. "I just wanted to let you know that a trial date has been set. Alex is planning on calling Olivia to the stand."

Elliot took a deep breath and let it out slowly. "Okay. When is it?"

"Next week."

"Okay. I'll let her know. Thanks Fin."

"Sure. Give her a hug for me."

"Sure will." And with that, Elliot ended the call.

After finishing his folding, Elliot made his way back to the guest room. Upon seeing the door open, he peaked in and found it empty. "Liv?" he called, continuing down the hallway. He noticed the bathroom door was shut, so he knocked softly and called her name again.

"You can come in, El," her voice was quiet and sweet in its reply.

Elliot turned the doorknob and slowly opened the door. Olivia was there, standing in front of the mirror and holding Elliot's grooming scissors and electric clippers. She looked up at him with wide, soft eyes and simply said, "Will you help me, Elliot?"

Elliot nodded and stepped into the bathroom, taking the items from her hand. She unwrapped the scarf from her hair and took the scissors back. Picking up a section of hair from the unshaved part of her head, she snipped and watched it fall into the sink. She looked back up into the mirror and a look of determination crossed her face. She picked up the next section, and then next, and the next, until her hair was trimmed down close to her scalp.

"Okay," she whispered. Without a second thought, Elliot turned on the clippers and got to work, gently running the razor over her already shortened hair and carefully watching her face. She didn't falter, didn't waver in her resolve. Soon, Elliot was done and he turned off the clippers, setting them on the edge of the sink and staying silent as she came to terms with this new step.

Olivia stared at her reflection for minutes, hours, days. Finally speaking, her voice showed no trace of sadness or fear. "I needed to take control. I needed to accept what happened to me and take my control back." She looked at Elliot. "Do you understand?"

"Yes," he said. "I do understand."

Olivia nodded and looked back in the mirror. "I needed to show myself that he didn't break me, that he didn't steal me. That I'm still here, that I can be new, be reborn." She took a deep breath and looked back at Elliot.

He smiled at her, stepped forward and cupped her delicate cheeks in his hands. "You're beautiful. You look like Olivia."

She grinned. "I am Olivia."

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><p><em><strong>RR please? And thank you!**_


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